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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Willamette Week's Attempt at a Game of Thrones Cover: WILDLY INSULTING, FULL OF INFURIATING ERRORS

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Wed, Apr 25, 2012 at 12:29 PM

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Okay, Willamette Week. You want to do this? Let's do this.

• Westeros is a monarchy, not a democracy. Guess why Varys is a eunuch? HE ONCE SAID THE WORD "ELECTION."

• Endorsing Charlie Hales as Hand of the King? Putting aside the goddamn fact that the Hand of the King position is not equivalent to mayor (for, as motherfucking everyone knows, "The king eats, and the Hand takes the shit"), there's a more pressing issue here: DOES THIS COVER CONSTITUTE A DEATH THREAT TO CHARLIE HALES?!

• WHY IS CHARLIE HALES' HEAD SO BIG? Theory! Before the cover went to press, a secret code was taken from the back of an old Electronic Gaming Monthly and entered into the production computer, thus activating NBA Jam's big-head mode. Except they had to enter the code twice because Aaron Mesh tripped on the controller cord and they had to restart everything :(

• I mean did they even think about using Joffrey or Robert Baratheon? Someone who would've made sense, as opposed to the goddamn Hand of the King? Maybe they would've used a Joffrey "photo collage" if they endorsed Jofferson Smith, am I right?

• Ugh, that Jofferson Smith thing was stupid, I'm sorry, I'M SO ANGRY I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT

• Clearly there's a missed opportunity here in terms of house sigils and mottos but SIGH

• Wait. Am I forgetting the king in Game of Thrones who abdicated the Iron Throne and moved North of the Wall in order to duck out of paying taxes for five years?

• Look I know I said I was just going to talk about the cover, but on the inside they made Eileen Brady into a giant-headed Brienne of Tarth? I'm an idiot and even I know not to compare a woman to someone whose only traits are "has a vagina," "fights a lot," and "is hideously ugly." (BONUS TERRIBLE COMPARISON: Making Mayor Sam Adams into a tow-headed Renly Baratheon, a character whose only traits are "gay," "gay," and "gay.")

• For real, Eileen Brady-as-Cersei Lannister just seems super obvious.

• "The race pits former U.S. Attorney Dwight Holton against former Oregon Court of Appeals Judge Ellen Rosenblum, who is married to the publisher and co-owner of this newspaper, Richard Meeker. This creates an inherent conflict of interest for this newspaper. As a result, WW announced in January that it won't be writing about this race." Good call, guys.

• Okay I'm just going to admit I don't understand what the fuck is even happening

• I suspect the crow represents Steve Novick

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