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Friday, May 4, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, May 4, 2012 at 9:29 AM

Kiss and hug all the shiftless people you know who have up and stopped looking for work. Because of their obvious lassitude, even though economic growth appears to be slowing, the unemployment rate is still edging downward.

Of course, we also should note that the economy is recovering just as fast as it's ever recovered from a recession.

In a tight re-election fight, racism really will mean the difference between keeping Barack Obama and rolling out the white-hooded-carpet for President Willard Romney.

John Edwards made a 101-year-old rich woman nicknamed "Bunny" feel so "euphoric"—like lighting a match in a musty, forgotten crypt—that she helped pay for him to cover up his affair with Rielle Hunter.

American soldiers in Afghanistan somehow need to be reminded formally that it's poor form to photograph oneself pissing on corpses.

The strange, tense saga of a Chinese dissident who escaped house arrest fleeing to the American embassy is ending with a whimper (like, not World War III). He's been offered the chance to study at an American university, and China is likely to make like the Fonz and give a double-thumbs-up.

Japan is turning off its last operable nuclear reactor, giving up—for now—a power source it's relied on to scare movie-goers since 1966.

LE PANIC! THE COMMUNIST ASSAULT ON FRANCE IS NIGH!

The governor worked some diplomatic magic to save Oregon's plans for Medicaid reform. Meanwhile, the mayor is seemingly just using regular magic to solve Portland's (and the city's school districts') budget troubles.

Cheetahs. Are. Not. Tame. You. Morons.

AAAAND... TWO DOGS AWKWARDLY RE-ENACT THAT ONE SCENE FROM REQUIEM FOR A DREAM! ENJOY!


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