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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, May 9, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I'm just sick to death of second best, pet. Why should the morning always find you unimpressed? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Let's go straight to hillbilly news: North Carolina has passed their ban on same-sex marriages, partnerships, and civil unions. BECAUSE THEY ARE THOUGHTLESS, DROOLING, HAYSEED, BLITHERING HILLBILLIES.

Meanwhile in Colorado, a potential vote for civil unions gets stalled by the Republican (surprise!) speaker. Sorry, "Republican hillbilly hayseed speaker."

However, President Obama cannot dodge the subject of same-sex marriage much longer—AND HE SHOULDN'T. Hillbillies already hate him, and aren't going to vote for him anyway. An upcoming interview with ABC News may apply the necessary pressure.

The suicide bomber sent to blow up an American airliner with his underpants was actually a Saudi double agent! Those underpants seem a lot more sexy now.

The US Postal Service is retreating from their previous plan to shut down rural post offices—though hours will be curtailed. So don't worry, you'll still be getting your Papa John's circulars.

An angry wife is probably behind a husband being accused of stuffing gun parts into his son's stuffed animal and trying to board a flight in Rhode Island. (Confidential to angry wife: Good one.)

A Russian passenger superjet with 44 aboard mysteriously disappears on it's maiden flight. Now I don't usually like to rush to judgement, but... UFOs!!!

John Travolta has been accused of "sexual battery" by two male massage therapists, who claim that the actor tried to get them to have sex with him. Travolta furiously denies the charges, because as we all know, he isn't gay. (Ahem.)

Still no word from Matthew Lillard. :(

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Cloudier today with peeking sunshine and cooler, but wash that thong and put it out on the line—because this weekend is gonna be cheek-tanning weather!

And finally, here's something else the blithering hillbillies of North Carolina do not allow: Two semi-nude men wrestling on an Alpine cloud while alpacas watch in approval. SUCKS TO BE YOU, NORTH CAROLINA!

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