I'm a 16-year-old bisexual guy with a preference—at least at this point in time—for guys. I have a girlfriend. I have known her for almost five years. We have been in a long-distance relationship since September 2011. Despite the fact that she moved from where I live up to about four hours north by car, we still manage to have a great relationship. For example, I attended her Prom earlier this month.
However, I also attended my city's LGBTQ Prom this past Saturday. There I met a 17-year-old guy that I found somewhat attractive. He hit on me throughout the night. I gave him my number, not thinking he would take that as an initiative to try to start a relationship with me, but that night and the day after, however, he texted me often, and made me both uncomfortable and enthralled.
My girlfriend—let's call her "Selena"—and I have a very good relationship, but, both of us being bisexual, we have discussed the possibility of being in an exclusive heterosexual relationship with one another whil having smaller relationships with the same-gender partners on the side. She had a friend-with-benefits near the beginning of our relationship that she no longer sees but the topic hasn't been brought up in a while. I am worried as to the outcome of telling her about my "crush." Selena has always enjoyed our talks about each other's same-gender attractions, but I'm incredibly clueless as to how to discuss this to her.
The texts that the boy—let's call him "Dave"—sent me, some of them at least, were sexual in nature, and we discussed possibly meeting up and starting a sexual relationship. He lives very close to where I do and attends a school a block from my house. I am a virgin—both genders considered—and the idea of sex right now makes me uneasy. But I am interested. Still, sex as an idea scares me at this point and I don't think I'd be ready for that sort of thing. As such, this afternoon, I told Dave that I felt we were moving too fast. He agreed. I still, though, felt like I wanted to get to know him better, possibly as a future boyfriend.
I suppose I have two problems:
1. How should I talk to Selena about this? I'm sure she wouldn't be too opposed to the idea, but if she were, I would probably feel a bit inhibited. Should I bring it up as a question or as an idea? I'm sincerely clueless.
2. How can I have a good relationship with Dave in a non-sexual way? He has gone as far as giving and receiving blowjobs, and I would be uncomfortable with both at this point in my life. I like him a lot, but is it a bit too much to ask to be more than friends if he is sexually active and I am not interested in the idea.
Thank you very much.
Not Agreeable Intervals
P.S. My apologies if this problem is a bit juvenile.
My response after the jump.
1. Openly, honestly, directly and without hesitation. It might help if you remind yourself—again and again—that while the stakes feel high right now, NAI, they're actually quite low. You've known Selena for a long time, and you're good friends, and you have a nice, safe, comfortable thing going with her. It sounds like your relationship with Selena has been a nice buffer; that is, this long-distance relationship has allowed you to explore the emotional and social aspects of dating without any sexual pressures or expectations. And this relationship has been great for you, there's been a lot of affection, an you'll no doubt be bummed when it ends. But remember: there aren't a lot of adults out there who are still dating—or who are married to—the folks they were dating in high school. So your relationship with Selena, however wonderful, is destined to end at some point... and if this conversation ends it, well, your relationship with Selena was destined to end at some point, right?
So tell her this: "I went to the LGBTQ Prom and met this boy and he's been calling and texting me and I don't want date him—I'm only somewhat attracted to him and he's more experienced than I am and frankly he's come on a little strong—but honestly I'm enjoying the attention. So I wanted to check in with you about that same-gender-partners-on-the-side arrangement we used to talk about. Not because I'm going to jump into bed with this guy. I'm not ready for sex. But eventually I am going to be ready for sex—including sex with boys—and I think we should talk about this stuff now, Selena."
If Selena freaks out and dumps your ass, well, your relationship with Selena was destined to end at some point, right?
2. Tell Dave you're not ready for sex but you could use a friend.
And don't assume that because Dave's sexually active he wouldn't be interested in a friendship. If it turns out that friendship is "too much to ask" of Dave—if he really is only interested in your dick—he'll let you know by either disappearing or by accepting your friendship so that he can continue to pressuring you for sex. If he disappears on you, well, he wasn't a very nice guy and you didn't lose much. If he accepts your friendship and pressures you for sex then he's a terrible guy and you won't lose much when you disappear on him.
But he might be up for being friends. So ask.
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