Satirizing Portland and More with State Fair of the Union
In this afternoon's Hecklevision: Point Break ticket giveaway, I informed participants that they could, if they so wished, "write a single sentence or a beautiful haiku about why Angelo Pappas is the best character in the history of cinema." And then this landed in my inbox. This person won the tickets, obviously. The words below are a fable for our troubled times; reading them will change your life. Swear to god.
Three Simple Reasons Why Angelo “Meatball Razor Blade” Pappas Is the Point Break
by Dwayne Jetsky
1. Angelo was raised without a father. But like a real man, he doesn’t talk about insecurities/shortcomings. He talks truth and bullshit. But did you know Angelo had to work himself through college? No, he didn’t have a football scholarship. No, he didn’t rob banks. He worked, like a fucking American. Where, you ask? At the zoo. What did he do? He disciplined unruly lions and fed the baby giraffes.
2. Angelo Pappas is of Greek decent. But you wouldn’t know it. Not only does he refuse to be lazy, he also refuses to identify with anything other than the land of liberty. Here’s a conversation that never made the film. “Hey Angelo, you want a gyro?” “Hey Utah, you want a punch in the dick? Do you want to piss blood out of your ass for the next three months? I want the meatballs. And I want them in a sandwich, two of them!”
3. Angelo was once touched by an angel. His mother was out late, again. And left to fend for himself and 12 siblings, Angelo went to fetch ingredients for grits. On the way, he was struck by a car. It was a hit and run. He was left to die, cold and bleeding in the unforgiving January street. Angelo later told his third girlfriend, Deb, “Next thing I know, there’s this fucking angel touching me. She’s all healing me and shit.” What he didn’t tell Deb was after the healing, the angel graced him with a handjob. Angelo, the eternal handjob pessimist, would later recall, “It was decent.”
You did alright today, Dwayne Jetsky. You did real good.
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