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Thursday, May 24, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Putting It In

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, May 24, 2012 at 10:29 AM

My husband, 23, and I, 22, have been married for three years and we have a beautiful 4-month-old daughter. I have a few questions that I hope you can guide me in a good direction....

1. I like sex, but I stay home with our baby and I get tired at the end of the day. My husband and I would have sex every day when we first got together and now it has slowly diminished to about 6 times a month. How do I get my energy up enough to make our relationship hot again?

2. My husband wants me initiate sexual activity. He has a lot more experience in the bedroom then I do and I dont want to look stupid. I always feel like he is judging. How can I get over the fear of judgment and make it happen?

3. Our biggest problem is that I dont trust my husband putting anything in my vagina. When we have sex I have to put his penis in myself and it takes forever, because I tense my legs up. It isn't my husband's fault, I have always been this way. I have tried to let him do it, but I fear he will hurt me (accidentally) and stick it in "wrong." He has been so supporting about my screwed up issues, but I can tell he is getting frustrated. How can I trust my husband and get over it?

Thank you so much in advance!

Brand New Mom

My response after the jump...

······················
1. Your baby is four months old and you're having sex 1.5 times per week?

Um... you're having shitloads of sex for a couple with a new baby, NM. And of course the sex you're having now isn't as hot as the sex you were having before the baby came along. A new baby is emotionally draining and physically exhausting. You need to give yourself some credit for finding the time and energy to maintain your sexual connection with your husband at all, BNM, and you and your husband need to view each perfunctory-if-satisfying/four-month-old-baby-in-the-next-room fuck as a promise you're making each other. The promise: you will fuck the living shit out of each other again—you'll fuck more frequently (it not as frequently as you did when you teenagers), you'll fuck more passionately (if not as passionately as you did when you were teenagers)—just as soon as you have the time and energy. That day will come. And so will you.

2. Answer honestly: Is your husband judging you? Is he asking you to initiate sex and/or surprise him with some new moves and then criticizing you for initiating sex at the wrong time or surprising him with the wrong moves? If the answer is "yes," then you have a legit beef. Tell him to knock that shit off. But if you're just worried about looking stupid and you fear being judged by a person who isn't actually judging you, well, tell your husband you're going to work on overcoming your hangups—but in the meantime, if he wants his sack drained, he's going to have to initiate.

3. Keep doing what works for, BNM—keep putting it in yourself.

But from now, BNM, after you've put it in, and after you've let your husband fuck you for a while, take it back out. And then, as you lay there relaxed and fully aroused and half-fucked, let your husband put it back in. Fuck this way every time and you'll get used to—and hopefully you'll be aroused by—your husband putting it in you himself. The goal is to get so comfortable with him putting it in you that you'll be able to let him put it in you himself at the start. Good luck!

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