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Friday, June 8, 2012

Comedy Tour: The Alex Falcone Diaries: Death Wish

Posted by Alex Falcone on Fri, Jun 8, 2012 at 9:59 AM

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[Editor's Note: Up-and-comer comedian/actor Alex Falcone—who you've seen perform with Action/Adventure theater, as well in the live talk show Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone—will be furnishing semi-regular updates from the road to give us an inside peek at the real life of a struggling comic. Want more Alex? Check out his website and his podcast Read It and Weep—a funny show about bad books, movies, and TV.]

DEATH WISH, COLORADO

Tuesday, June 5th - Aurora, CO

If you only count the time I'm on stage, I don't work much. Between 4 and 7 shows in a weekend, a half an hour apiece. It seems like a sweet gig, but it's not like I spend the rest of the week writing hilarious and popular blogs and eating waffles.

Okay, I do a lot of that, but I'm just doing altitude training for my waffle eating. It's much harder up here.

Look, it is sweet, but the performing isn't the job. That's fun. The job is calling and e-mailing clubs trying to get work, and I spend an awful lot of time doing that too. I get a response from 1 in 40 clubs I e-mail. Maybe ⅓ of those say yes. And most people who book comedy clubs don't want to have to ignore my e-mail, so they keep their addresses secret. It takes a lot of research and networking. My laptop is covered with syrup because even my time at Waffle House is business as well as pleasure.

That said, I don't have anywhere to be until Thursday night. I'm staying with my sister in Aururo and her and her husband both work job-type jobs, so I don't see them much. In fact, I think they wake me up while they're getting ready in the morning just to remind me how much work real adults do.

Her husband is a doctor so he works insane hours. He has no room to complain either, because his job has its own benefits:

Its almost worth it to have to work as hard as they do.
  • It's almost worth it to have to work as hard as they do.

More, including the difference between Portland food carts and Denver "food carts," after the jump...

••••••••

Wednesday, June 6th - Aurora, CO

I went to lunch at Civic Center Eats, Denver's food cart festival. Once a week the city opens the park in front of the capitol building to food carts for the purpose of showing people that Denver doesn't understand cart food.

Food carts are great because putting an unsafe amount of kitchen equipment in the back of a utility trailer is cheaper than opening a real restaurant. That allows people with cooking talent and very little start-up capital to serve large piles of tasty food from their native land for only $5.

This pod was made up of million dollar catering trucks serving tiny sandwiches for $9. If I wanted to overpay for a sandwich, I wouldn't need to eat it in a parking lot.

Also there were 20+ trucks and no Thai food. That either is or ought to be illegal in Portland.

Thursday June 7th - Aururo, CO

Here are some other notable comparisons between Portland and the Denver sprawltropolis.

Air [winner: Portland]
We take oxygen for granted. It's just sitting there in the air, foolishly waiting for you to grab it with your mouth. Up here in Cloud City, it feels like I've got asthma every time I stand up. If you like sweating, chapped lips, or feeling dizzy while you exercise, come to Denver and live in the Sky. Otherwise, stay where you are.

Rain [winner: Denver]
Last night there was an incredible thunderstorm with almost constant lightning and nearby tornado warnings—at least I think they were tornado warnings; there were air raid sirens going off and I don't think Russians would try a bombing run in this storm. This morning it was sunny. The weather gets in, does its business, and goes back to Minnesota where it belongs. In Portland this storm would have lasted until October and been safe for Russkie bombers.

Sun [winner: Portland if you don't like skin cancer, Denver if you don't like being pale]
I got sunburned riding a bike. Both arms. I'm not intentionally playing chicken with cancer, I honestly forgot that it was possible to get sunburns in town. I thought you had to go to a beach to need sunscreen. The sun causes trouble because, in addition to existing, it also doesn't have any of that pesky air to cut through to get to my arms.

If you don't want to die in a tornado, bombing raid, oncology ward, or while jogging, stay in Portland. Otherwise, come spend some time in Death Wish, Colorado.

Shows in Denver start tonight! Wish me luck.

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