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Saturday, June 9, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Sat, Jun 9, 2012 at 9:07 AM

Hahahahahahaha. Haha. Ha. It's going to be unseasonably cool today. And it might even rain on your (Gland Floral) parade. Maybe.

Penguins are sexual perverts,
at least according to the long-lost observations of a prudish Edwardian-era scientist, the only one who ever spent a full mating season with the over-hyped birds. He was so shocked by what he saw that he wrote his observations in Greek so only educated men, and not fragile, fainting ladies, would read them.

A conversation with a drone operator: "I watch them for hours, see these guys playing with their kids and wives. When I get them alone, I have no compunction about blowing them to bits. But I wouldn’t touch them with civilians around. After the strike, I see the bodies being carried out of the house. I see the women weeping and in positions of mourning. That’s not PlayStation; that’s real."

The world's most advanced cyberworm
ever—Flame, a relative of Stuxnet—can disrupt networks but also take pictures of IM chats and use computer microphones to secretly record audio. It's been activated in countries known to be hostile to Israel (and the United States).

"Wait a hot minute," says the US government. "How the fuck do you proles keep reading about all our secret shit [eds.: drone warfare, cyberworms, Al-Qaida double-agents] all over the internet?" The Justice Department is asking two US attorneys to help find and plug the source(s) of all the leaks.

Good news if September 11 gave you cancer (and you're still alive 11 years later)! The government's 9/11 health fund might maybe soon hopefully start covering your treatment.

Carrie Underwood, among our great nation's many pied pipers for pabulum-fed rednecks, just crapped in her fans' patriotic grits by coming out for gay marriage.

Interest rates are freakishly low, making borrowing easy and available. But not if you're a regular person. Unless you think corporations are persons. Because they're the only persons cashing in on the cheap-debt bonanza.

Woodward and Bernstein have written an article reminding us, and themselves, who they are again.

I'D RATHER REMEMBER WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE AGAIN. I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO DRESS JUST LIKE NORMAN FELL AT MY KIDS' WEDDINGS. OR WHEN I GO TO THE SAFEWAY TO BUY FACTORY-FARM EGGS.

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