This Week in the Mercury


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Not Not Gonna Do It

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 10:29 AM

Not too long ago a woman wrote in about her dissatisfying sex life, which consisted of the missionary position with her spouse. You basically said "something has to change." Help, Dan!!! I am in the same situation and I need more than that!

Here's the deal: I am a happily married mom. I'm willing to bet many would say I'm a MILF. My partner is admired and respected by all. I am, unfortunately, as you put it in one of your articles, sexually dead. And I'm very, very sad about that. I have dropped direct hints about my interest in bondage. No, not just hints. I have said "I'd like to be tied up." I have asked for handcuffs. Nothing.

I can't cheat but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it. Efforts to improve things have fallen on deaf ears. Every day I go to the hogtied website, and that's my sex life. Never mind that I don't ever have the chance to express myself in ways that I once did. Yesterday I was almost in tears thinking about how this part of me has died. Help?

Depressed Under Duvet

My response after the jump...

I didn't tell the woman whose letter you referenced—which appeared in this column—that something had to change. I told her to tell her husband that things had to change:

Tell your husband that while he may be happy with the way things are, you're not. Which means things have to change.

Here's what you're going to tell your husband, DUD: "I'm not happy and things have to change. We can start exploring my interest in bondage together—that's my preference—or you can give me permission to explore bondage in a non-sexual context—no intercourse—with others. You know I love you, honey, but I'm going out of my mind here. I've got to do this bondage shit with someone. I'd like that someone to be you. But I'm not not gonna do it."

Basically, DUD, you're gonna have to force the issue. No hints, no requests. Direct statements and clear demands. And for Christ's sake stop asking for handcuffs and go buy yourself a pair. Handcuff manufacturers sell their wares to women too.

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