This Week in the Mercury

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A Firm, Feature-Length Pinch on Tinseltown’s Swollen, Self-Absorbed Posterior

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jun 20, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Chillin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A House committee is considering contempt charges against Attorney General Eric Holder for allegedly witholding documents regarding the Fast and Furious gun-running sting. (Not starring Vin Diesel.)

Wikileaker Julian Assange is being pursued by police AGAIN for trying to take asylum in Britain's Ecuador embassy. (Note to Ecuador embassy: Houseguests, like fish, begin to stink after three days.)

New Democracy leader Antonis Samaras is sworn in as economic stricken Greece's new prime minister. Remind me again why anyone would want this job.

Jerry Sandusky is ready to testify in his sexual abuse trial and plans on using the foolproof "showering with young boys is normal" defense.

Egyptian officials may delay announcing the victor in their presidential elections because of numerous complaints from rivals and that former president Hosni Mubarak may or may not be dead.

Republican Chris Dudley (remember him? Ran for governor? Yeah, him.) is emptying out his campaign bank account and distributing over $64,000 to various Republican candidates. BECAUSE THEY NEED THE MONEY SO MUCH.

The owner of Mt. Hood Ski Bowl who struck a bicyclist and then sped off has agreed to pay his victim $500,000. WOW! Me next! Me next!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: FINALLY! Sunny and 80 degrees today and tomorrow—but back to shit for the weekend.

And finally, the internet sensation Pedobear shows up at Jerry Sandusky's trial. THE DEFENSE RESTS!

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