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Thursday, June 21, 2012

Here Are Four Billion Movie Trailers

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 3:44 PM

Jesus christ, like four billion movie trailers came out during the past two days. Rather than post them separately I'm just going to do one big post, partly out of laziness and partly because I had oral surgery this morning and am currently bleeding from my gums and on pain killers so who are you to judge me. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I will also judge these trailers—with a YAY or NAY. You do not get to vote. Let this serve as a reminder of how little power you have and how much power I have. By "power" I mean "Vicodin."

1. TWILIGHT XXVI: THE RECKONING

VERDICT: Okay so I know I said I would rate these trailers but hey, let's you and me get real: I didn't even watch this. Mercury Copy Chief Courtney Ferguson tells me that in this one there's a pedophile werewolf! What! Between this and 50 Shades of Grey, I'm beginning to think it might be a good thing women only make 77 cents to every dollar a man makes—just so they have less money to spend on shit like this! JK LADIES YOU KNOW I LOVE YA, HOW ABOUT A SMILE

2. CARTOON ANIMAL HOUSE

VERDICT: This looks better than I thought it would! I would go to this! Also, I will never say the preceding two sentences about any other film that in any way involves Billy Crystal. JK MY MAIN MAN B.C., YOU KNOW I LOVE YA, HOW ABOUT A SMILE

3. ANNA KAREN NINNIAÑA

VERDICT: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ holy shit that was silly. My mom will love it. Remember when Joe Wright made Atonement and everyone was like "Yep, that certainly was a silly movie that was targeted at the people who refuse to see anything that isn't playing at the Fox Tower," but then Joe Wright made Hanna and everybody was like "Fuck yes Joe Wright, make more movies about adolescent assassins, that was smart and great!" And then Joe Wright was like "What's that? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you, this ceiling fan is really loud. But be sure to see my new movie Anna Gremlina, opening exclusively at the Fox Tower!"

4. DREDD, WHO USED TO BE A JUDGE BUT APPARENTLY GOT DEMOTED

HA HA HA ROB SCHNEIDER IS THE STAPLER okay for reals

VERDICT: "We can fight out desiresssss wwwwoooooo-whoooooooooo...." This basically looks like The Raid: In the Future, which I'm 100 percent okay with. Also: The bad guy/bad lady is played by Lena Headey, who plays Cersei Lannister on Game of Thrones and Sarah Connor Chronicles on The Sarah Connor Chronicles! She's fantastic! As Maury Povitch might say, "Lena Headey, you are the law!"

5. TAKEN 2: STILL TAKEN

VERDICT: Rather than judge this I'm just going to watch it again a few more times, C U L8R

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