Sorry, all you suicidally Republican states who'd been praying to your Anglo-Saxon Jesus pictures for a health care reform smackdown. The very short countdown—less than two years—for complying with the law's biggest provisions starts right about now. Have fun!

In the Air Force, boot camp for female cadets apparently also includes having forced sex with male instructors.

Egypt's hamstrung new (Islamist) president-elect will send a message to the country's military puppet masters and address the thousands of protesters still defying tanks and soldiers by gathering in Cairo's Tahrir Square.

Plans are afoot for the creation of a "national unity" government in Syria, if by national unity everyone means "defiantly bomb the living shit out of your restive population." This comes as Turkey, smarting over the loss of a warplane shot down over Syria, reportedly has set up missiles all along the two countries' long shared border.

Germany holds its responsible and prosperous nose and says yes to a banking deal that everyone hopes will rescue the European Union from financial doom.

I can't see my way to the end of decent joke about a beauty pageant for very elderly Holocaust survivors. I think it sounds kind of cute; others think it trivializes one of history's greatest horrors.

A top British bank, Barclays, is covering its rump after paying millions in fines in an interest-rate fixing scandal whose fallout could spread across the Atlantic to Wall Street.

Mass-produced tomatoes taste terrible because, for some reason, we expect them to look like chromatic red cartoons.

Coca-Cola admits changing its cherished, secret formula after California decided one of its main ingredients might be carcinogenic.

But wait! There's no more! One of the proud creators of the modern infomercial, Barry Becher, has died. His ad for Ginsu knives was the first to use the iconic and perfect "but wait!" line.

Oh, and guess what? The Mayan Apocalypse is back on!

HOT DOG MEAT IS VERY FORGIVING. IN CASE THAT EVER COMES UP IN CONVERSATION.