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Monday, July 2, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jul 2, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Shorty said "Yo," I looked left and then? I'm like, "I wanna mess with him." LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Institutional Revolutionary Party member Enrique PeÑa Nieto is elected as the new president of Mexico, bringing back the old-timey days when the party had autocratic rule over the country. Thanks a bunch, drug war and economic malaise!

Apple settles its suit with a Chinese company and is paying them $60 million for the iPad name. (Please, please, please... let them develop a product called the "I, Anonymous.")

While it's annoyingly cool here, the east is being bombarded by a heat wave that has left millions without power. ROAD TRIP!

Evacuation notices have been lifted for most of the 32,000 residents affected by the Colorado wildfire. ROAD TRIP!

Penn State officials allegedly knew about Sandusky's pedophilic shenanigans as early as 2001, and reportedly wrote emails to each other about it, trying to figure out how to deal with it "humanely." So... much... wrong.

Atom smashing scientists are poised to announce they've found the highly sought "God particle"—or at least the "God particle's footprint." Can we please focus on Bigfoot first, people?

A new poll says President Obama is maintaining a two-to-three point lead over Mittens Romney—which will certainly change once Mittens begins to open his mouth on a regular basis.

Meanwhile, support for Obama's health care law has jumped up since the ruling was passed down.

Syrian helicopters attack a Damascus suburb—just in case you were wondering if these guys were getting any nicer.

Newsguy Anderson Cooper finally comes out and tells us what we already knew for quite awhile. I mean, c'mon! He practically lived with Kathy Griffin.

Are Scientologists spying on the newly free Katie Holmes? And why are they prepping the sacrificial volcano?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Mostly sunny today, probably, maybe, I dunno, and a high of 74—but things are supposed to get sunnier and warmer throughout the week, probably, maybe, I dunno.

And finally, Seth Rogan really does have a great laugh. Here's a supercut!

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