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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

News Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! We're the kids in America. We're the kids in America. Everybody live for the music-go-round. LET'S GO TO PRESS. (And Happy Fourth of July, everybody!)

See? All you had to say was "sorry." Secretary of State Hillary Clinton apologizes for the death of 24 Pakistani troops last Fall, and Pakistan reopens a critical supply route to Afghanistan.

As predicted days ago, scientists announced today that they have indeed found the "God Particle" (originally called the "Goddamn Particle"!) and now the door is open to discovering many of the mysteries of the universe. Dibs on entering the Stargate first!

It's day five of the eastern heatwave, and now over 1 million people are without power... and perhaps fireworks!

300 people are reported killed in Syria this week. (America's not looking too bad today, is it?)

Did Supreme Court Justice Roberts cave to political pressure when he sided with liberals in his ruling about the "Affordable Care Act"? Sore fucking loser Republicans (naturally) say "Yes!"

Claiming that the Mexican presidential election was "plagued with irregularities," another sore (but possibly correct) loser Lopez Obrador demands a recount.

The FDA has approved the first over the counter HIV test. GOOD, because I'd much rather freak out in the privacy of my home.

The JetBlue pilot who suffered a freakout during a flight in March has been declared not guilty by reason of—you guessed it—INSANITY.

In sports, the Portland Timbers get a much needed win against San Jose. Check out all the hot live blog action from Blogtown Footy Correspondent Brian Gjurgevich!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: OH SWEET JESUS, FINALLY! IT'S HERE! SUMMER IS HERE!!!

And finally, when those asshole hillbillies are STILL shooting off fireworks tonight at 2 am, imagine that what's happening to them is what's happening in this video. Happy Fourth of July, you old savings and loan.

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