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Friday, July 6, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Jul 6, 2012 at 9:29 AM

So the only thing not hot in America right now? Some concept called "job growth," which was "tepid" and seen as "an opportunity" for "Republicans." The actual story? Unemployment's still high, but it's also not getting worse. Yawn.

Rupert Murdoch remains convinced that Willard Romney is a wimp—which makes it increasingly less likely he'll mobilize his propaganda empire in an all-out push to make him president.

Barack Obama's administration has been stealing about the nation in recent months, quietly freeing thousands of our public schools from the rigid prison of No Child Left Behind mandates and standardized tests.

In the battle to topple Syria's Bashar Assad, China and Russia are like those people who stubbornly refuse to leave the movie theater until the credits are over and the lights are up. Meanwhile, one of Assad's best pals and super-elite military generals has decided to summer in France. Forever.

Trayvon Martin's killer is going to go free, again, after his loyal fans helped come up with an assload of bail money.

Dead mortgage company Countrywide used to hand out sweet loans to congressional staffers in exchange for their help killing bills meant to keep Countrywide from screwing over the rest of us.

Now let's chuckle about a cigarette-addicted ape who's about to endure cold-turkey withdrawal.

To spite its former record company, Def Leppard is recording painstaking re-creations of its old hits and hoping its glory-days-reliving fans won't know the difference when shopping for them at the computer desk they've set up in their tract house's "great room."

A woman who repeatedly stabbed herself in the eye with a pen now wants everyone to know that it can be very dangerous to repeatedly stab yourself in the eye with a pen.

I WOULD BE WAY MORE SCARED OF THOSE COLD AND STERILE TILE FLOORS! SERIOUSLY! SOMEONE HIRE A DECORATOR RIGHT NOW!

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