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Everything as Fuck

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jul 11, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! People are so phony, nosy 'cause they're lonely. Aren't you sick of the same thing? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

SCANDAL! The son of one of the wealthiest men in the world is under arrest in London, after his American-born wife is found inexplicably dead in her home. Could the reason be... MURDER??

American socialite/songwriter Denise Rich renounces her American citizenship to get out of paying taxes. Is that all you have to do??

So who's the biggest "outsourcer"? "YOU ARE!" screams Obama. "No, YOU ARE!" yells Mittens. (Actually, Mittens is. Infinity plus one.)

Mittens Romney tries to court the black voters of the NAACP, and gets booed for his trouble. HAW! HAW! HAWWWWW!!!

Today will be the 33rd time—yes, the 33rd time—that House Republicans will have tried to repeal Obama's health care legislation. Okay, guys... we get it! YOU DON'T LIKE IT VERY MUCH.

All the single ladies (all the single ladies), all the single ladies (all the single ladies), now put your hands UP for reelecting Barack Obama in a new poll.

The cause of the mystery illness that claimed the life of 60 Cambodian children has been solved—but they also discovered that the inappropriate use of steroids didn't help matters one little bit.

The captain of that wrecked Italian cruise ship admits he was "distracted", adding, "This is a banal accident in which destiny found space right in the interaction among human beings." Oh. That was exactly what I thought he would say.

That naughty Mr. Sun has turned his attention to the Southwest, roasting it's occupants and turning up the heat to 125 degrees in some parts of California today.

The "Hulu of Magazines" has been released for the iPad, offering 39 magazines (or dead media, if you prefer) for one low price.

If you have DirecTV like I do, then you probably noticed the satellite system has dropped its Viacom channels (such as MTV, Comedy Central, VH1, and Nickelodeon) due to a carriage dispute. And THAT Viacom, is what you get for canceling The Adventures of Pete and Pete!

It's FREE SLURPEE DAY (the drink, not the sexual act) at all participating 7-11 stores from 11 am to 7 pm. Mercury Slurpee Correspondent Erik Henriksen will be reporting live, and bringing you the latest developments on this story all day long.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: More gorgeousity, with sunny skies and highs in the mid-80s from now until forever.

And finally, want to see Mittens Romney getting booed by the NAACP convention when he pooh-pooh's the Affordable Care Act? YEP! Sooooo sweet.

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