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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Foreplay for Assholes

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jul 11, 2012 at 10:29 AM

Does a quickie include foreplay?

My current lover (picture enclosed so you can see why I keep having sex with him) insists that a quickie means he gets to stick his dick in me with no foreplay. I define a quickie as a sped-up version of sex that does include some foreplay for me, at least so I don't bleed or tear, which has been an issue for me in the past, and so that I get some pleasure from the encounter. I'm a typical woman in that I can't come through vaginal intercourse. I have had orgasms before, exclusively with my ex through manual stimulation or a vibrator, but not with this guy, and particularly with no foreplay. Oh, and this asshole keeps remarking that women are broken because we can't come through intercourse, and that I should take it up with God when I get to heaven. Even during sessions where we have a bit of time, he doesn't really care if I orgasm or not. He has gone down on me for an extended time (maybe 10 minutes) only once, and during that session he still stopped before I came. Usually I have to grab a vibrator and use it on myself to come after he is done. I know I need to DTMFA, but can you settle this question on whether or not a quickie includes foreplay?

Frustrated From No Foreplay

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Yes, FFNF, a quickie includes some quick foreplay—if one or both parties requires foreplay. And... wow. Can I post this picture? That okay with him? Even if I'm going to call the guy a dick and advise you to DTMFA?—Dan

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Yes! He's here now, LOL. I asked him and he said it's OK to post the pic.—FFNF

1341953855-noforeplayboy.png

Daaaaaaaamn. I hope he doesn't beat me up for telling you to dump him. And I kinda hope he does.—Dan

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He doesn't have enough gas in his gas tank to get to where you are. I know I deserve a partner who cares about me and my pleasure. Everyone that I've told about him—my family, my friends, my neighbors—has told me to dump him. And I've half-heartedly dumped him a few times. I just need to be serious about it this time. Thanks for your response. I'm a regular reader, I've read all your columns in your online archive, I watched Savage U, and I listen to the podcast. Thanks for giving me the knowledge and the power to know that sex is supposed to feel good, and to ask for what I need (even if I'm currently with an asshole who ignores my requests).—FFNF

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There's just one way this could work out, FFNF. And by "this could work out" I do not mean, "This could turn into a successful and loving LTR!" What I mean is, "This could be a mutually-beneficial, short-term, just-for-fun, and-oh-my-god-just-look-at-those-tits FWB arrangement". Here's how it could work out: If you can get this selfish asshole to eroticize his asshole selfishness—along with his inconsideration and sexism—you could keep fucking him for a few more months. Don't get me wrong: you have to dump this guy. Once again: this guy is an asshole, you should've listened to your friends and family and dumped him months ago, but...

There's something sexy about being treated like a piece of meat by a hot, sexy, gorgeous asshole. If it turns you on to be used the way this guy uses you—if you enjoy being used like that by a man with a body like like that—then set conditions that incorporate his selfishness and your self-abasement into the sex. It would look like this: he gives you a little notice when he wants a quickie—or any sex—so that you have time to haul out the vibrator and get yourself off once or twice before he's inside you. He doesn't want to perform foreplay, you don't want to tear or bleed. So when he wants some he sends you a text to let you know he's on his way over or, if he's with you, he tells you to go masturbate. Then you'll be good and lubricated and ready to fuck. Since you're already getting yourself off after you fuck, FFNF, you shouldn't by shy about getting yourself off before you fuck. And you're likelier to come when he's fucking you if you already came once or twice before he started fucking you.

If he's unwilling to do this—if he's unwilling to give you the head start you need so you don't tear and bleed—then you're not dealing with a sexist & sexy asshole here, FFNF, you're dealing with a sexist & sexy sociopath, e.g. he's not hurting you because he's lazy and inconsiderate, he's hurting you because it turns him on to hurt you and he figures he can get away with it because he's hot. If that's the case, FFNF, dump him immediately.—Dan

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