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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Who Will Speak for the Flavored-Lube Users?

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jul 18, 2012 at 10:29 AM

I am writing in regards to your remarks on flavored condoms/lube on a recent podcast.

While flavored lube is no longer a regular part of my sex life, I find your attitude toward it oddly sex negative and out of synch with the values you express on the show. You said, "If you don't like the way dick tastes, don't fake it, don't pretend, don't cover it in chocolate sauce."

Why not? Are you saying it is preferable to not perform oral sex on your partner than to use flavored lube/condoms? Or to perform, but to do so with grudging resentment because the taste grosses you out? Sure, Dan, you like the taste of dick and that's great! If everyone liked the taste of dick life would be easier.

Unfortunately not all people like the taste of dick and some may never acquire a taste for dick. Or they may one day down the road but right now they need a little help getting there. Which is what so much of your sex advice is about! You encourage people to experiment and see what's out there in the world that might enrich their sex lives or help them overcome some hurdle or hang up. You let us all know it's all okay. When it comes to sex, nothing is off limits—within reason obviously—and it's only sex-negative attitudes that tell us otherwise.

Dan, I am a fan, I listen to your show, I read your column. And I am urging you to be more sex positive—and to be more in line with your own values—when it comes to flavored condoms and lube. Many of us, your readers and listeners, enjoy the pleasure that comes from mixing different bodily sensations, drawing close the shroom-induced blending of senses that synthesis are blessed to experience all the time. Mixing beloved and familiar flavors with new and exciting sex acts is one way to achieve that sensual synthesis.

Your Loyal Fan

P.S. I am super stoned right now. I have felt this way every time I've heard you say something negative about flavored lubes, Dan, I never took time to write. But weed, my 420 savior, gave me the motivation necessary.

Thanks for taking the time to write, YLF, and thank you for what has to be the most unnecessary postscript ever. Stoned, are you? Really. You don't say. But I stand by my advice: dick is dick and dessert is dessert. If you're pouring chocolate sauce or strawberry goo all over someone's dick... you're doing it wrong. But as with all my advice, YLF, that's just my opinion. It's not binding arbitration. So people who disagree with me are free to cover the dicks they're sucking in chocolate sauce and whip cream and rainbow sprinkles. But don't come crying to me when the CDC reclassifies diabetes as a sexually transmitted infection.

A couple of folks whose problems were featured in recent SLLOTD posts sent in updates. Their letters are after the jump...

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Since you were so kind to answer my letter, I thought I would give you an update. Mom and I have had a long talk about the fight over how she treated my trans friend. I reminded her that she's been mistreated a lot for things beyond her control: for being female, for adopting a black kid, and even for being white (in a mostly non-white high school). I told her that it hurt to see a friend treated as less than human because of something beyond her control. She apologized, and said that it was "no excuse for acting like that," but that over the past few years, she's had nearly every ideal turned upside down. She stumbled across evidence of her daughter's "depraved" sexual lifestyle, her son came out as gay, and she essentially had to come to terms with having been wrong about pretty much everything her entire life. She said it would take a while to get used to it, but that she would never treat my trans friends like that again. I'm happy that she's realized she was in the wrong and is taking steps to mend it. I don't expect perfection, but she's pointed in the right direction.
Also, I talked to my friend about the ordeal and apologized. All is well on that end.—KID

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As promised, a quick update on my "stranger on a train" story. We had a short but great time together, but it turned out we were sexually (and romantically) incompatible. Before I knew your column, I would have given it a try, but after reading you it was obvious that it would've been a disaster. And I wasn't infatuated enough to try to fix his hang-ups. (Kinky sex is only for the sluts you fuck and never call again, relationship sex must be "normal," a woman getting herself off means she is defective and threatening to a man's abilities, etc.) I'm still glad that I gave him my number and found out that he wasn't for me. Although it's a bit sad, because we did have amazing chemistry. It makes me a little angry that an otherwise great guy has these views on sex, but I have no patience for this crap.

It was an experience I've learned from, so no regrets at all. Thank you so much for your initial advice and all your former advice to other people I could draw on. It helped a lot.—SHY

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