It's the Dream Fitness Goal of Small Women Everywhere—But Can It Be a Reality?
Here's an I, Anonymous from someone complaining about how he doesn't like complaining.
To all my fellow Portlanders who hate Portland so much because of the hipsters, the sanctimonious vegans, the homophobes, the liberal douchetards, the conservative douchetards, the breeders who bring their spoiled bratty kids to a nice restaurant on date night, the child-haters that don't like your darling kids, the militant gays who want to suck your cock, the ugly lesbians that you hate to look at, the hot lesbians that won't suck your cock, the wannabe REI-wearing yuppies waiting in line an hour for a crappy brunch with their cloned friends who are with their untrained unleashed dogs who ride their bikes on the sidewalk while discussing how much better Portland was "back in the day"...or whatever: I have a suggestion for you.
Why not leave?
WHY DON'T I LEAVE? Dude... I'M ALREADY GONE! I left the very second you busted me for daring to be unsatisfied about anything, and for not being absolutely 100 percent giddy about my fan-fucking-tastic life every millisecond of every mothereffing day! And then? I came back. Because someone needs to field the thousands of complaints that come to the I, Anonymous Blog every decade. Because if we don't listen? Who will? (You're welcome.)
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!