This Week in the Mercury


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Desperate for Sex

Posted by Debby Herbenick on Wed, Aug 1, 2012 at 3:59 PM

I am a 24 year old straight woman, who has been living with her boyfriend (25 yrs old, straight) for the past 8.5 months and we have been dating for 9.5. When we moved in together in November, it was mainly because my boyfriend had recently lost his job and didn't have anywhere else to go. Our relationship was very new, but we got along so well that we thought we could hack it. Since then, things have been good for the most part. Then a few months ago, my bf started having pain in the one his balls. He went to the doctor and it turned out to be a small blockage that went away after heavy antibiotics. The issue is that the whole 6 weeks before he went to see the doctor (I still have no idea why he waited so long!) we couldn't have sex. He said that he hurt too bad when he came, so we didn't have any sex.

Then we waited to have sex for the 2 weeks he was on antibiotics. Then when we could have sex again, he kept saying he that he wasn't in the mood. For the next 5 weeks, we had sex three times. Since the last time we had sex, it has been 4 weeks!

In that time, I have tried asking for it. I've tried flirting with him, I've tried in the shower, different times of day, on different days, in public places and at home. I've tried picking fights and using toys. I've even tried not doing anything at all. I even thought that he wasn't attracted to me anymore, I have even asked if there was anything I could do to turn him on, but he just says that he is more into me now than ever, but I always ask at the wrong time. He has also said that sometimes the way I ask makes him feel uncomfortable, but when I asked what I can do to help turn him on or ask in a way he is comfortable with, he said that I have to figure it out on my own. I love sex, and I miss it. Toys do not feel the same to me as two people. But at this point, I don't know how long I can go on without any sex or sexual attention from him. Is it time that I flush our relationship? He is still without a job and still without any other place to go. When is enough? I have probably given him way more breaks than I should have already, but I love him. What can I do Dan? All my ideas have been exhausted and so am I.

Desperate for Sex

I’m pretty sure if Dan were here, he would say DTMFA.

But you know that already. You’re asking about “flushing” the relationship. You point out that you basically moved into together after your first month together because he had nowhere else to go. And you’ve suggested you’ve given him “way more breaks” than pretty much anyone should get. He’s been living with you for 8.5 months without a job or other place to go.

Plus, he’s blaming you for the lack of sex! When sex falls apart, it’s a shared issue. It’s not your fault or his fault. You’re both in it together. It’s not your job to figure it out. It’s something you should both be committed to working on together.

Yes, it’s possible that you’re asking in ways that feel like a lot of pressure to him. Maybe he feels guilty and stressed and his anxiety is causing erection difficulties or he’s feeling frustrated or annoyed. Or maybe he doesn’t want to have sex or be intimate with you.

If he was really more into you than ever, one would think he’d want to be sexual with you in some way—to kiss you, touch you, go down on you, have whatever type(s) of sex you two have been into. But nothing? That’s something to pay attention to.

Another thing to consider—and I hate to suggest this given how fragile your relationship is, but I’m going to anyway—is whether he may be seeing someone else. Although guys can have testicular pain that requires antibiotics and has nothing whatsoever to do with sexually transmissible infections (STI), it’s also the case that some STIs cause testicular discomfort and when healthcare providers prescribe antibiotics for, say, chlamydia (just as an example), it’s common to advise patients to wait two weeks for the antibiotics to do their thing before having sex.

All I’m saying is that, to be on the safe side (for your own sake), you may want to get tested for chlamydia (most women don’t notice any symptoms of it) or other STIs and you may want to ask yourself if it’s possible he’s into someone else and just hanging around so he has a place to stay.

Relationships—especially new relationships—are often marked by people wanting and trying to make it work, which is exactly what it sounds like you’re doing. But what’s he doing aside from avoiding sex, and blaming you for your efforts?

*****

UPDATE FROM YESTERDAY'S POST: I keep getting emails from SL readers who, like yesterday's reader also experience post-semen swallow runs—mostly women, but a couple of men. So if this happens to you, you're not crazy and you're not alone—it's likely the prostaglandins. In case you're curious, SL readers generally said it hits them between about 20 and 60 minutes post-swallow and at least one person has found it helps to eat before or after giving a blow-job. Although no one mentioned trying this (and I don't know for certain if it will work, but it might), if this happens to you, you might even consider taking an aspirin or ibuprofen—both of which have anti prostaglandin effects—beforehand to see if that helps. Or just don't swallow semen unless you can get to the bathroom STAT. - Debby

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