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Friday, August 17, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Aug 17, 2012 at 9:29 AM

The very next day after Willard Romney confessed paying taxes at a rate likely more meager than mine or yours—but refused to even prove that lame assertion by providing 10 years of returns—the Obama campaign offered a compromise: How about five years? Aaaand... Romney's handlers once again climbed inside their candidate's body and pressed the button that extends his middle finger.

Free Pussy Riot! Protests, outrage, and arrests erupt in Russia after the punk outfit is sentenced to two years in prison on charges of "hooliganism"—AKA staging a mock prayer, aimed at Russian strongman Vladimir Putin, in the country's national cathedral.

Our cars' mouths are fixed tightly to, and slurping greedily from, giant straws stuck inside Saudi Arabia's oil fields.

WikiLeaks' Julian Assange is sleeping in a converted office at Ecuador's London embassy, where his hosts have also installed a shower and a sun lamp to keep him from going mad. Sometimes they let him send out for pizza. British officials say the standoff—guards outside the Embassy—could last for years.

United Nations peace monitors are leaving Syria after waking up one day and realizing that, you know what, there actually isn't any peace to monitor.

South African police leaders have come up with a defense for the massacre-by-bullets of some 34 armed and striking miners: "Self defense." It's not the first bout of bloodshed at the restive platinum mine. In the week before, 10 people died, including cops and security guards.

Arizona answers the president's plan to spare young immigrants from deportation by approving a xenophobic executive order that bans otherwise eligible young people from getting driver's licenses and signing up for healthcare.

Jefferson Smith, mayoral candidate, still has a lousy driving record. News his insurance company can use!

Facebook's stock price
has dropped 45 percent in the three months since the company went public. There's a word for that: Terrible.

This is a story about a body that fell out of a casket before a funeral. That is all.

One of Steve Jobs' stolen iPads wound up in the hands—naturally—of a Bay Area party clown, His name is Kenny. Kenny the Clown. He used it to play Michael Jackson songs and Henry Mancini's delightful Pink Panther them.

THIS IS THE BEST COVER OF A TERRIBLE 20-YEAR-OLD REDNECK ANTHEM SONG EVER. AND YET? INEXPLICABLY, NO ONE IN THE AUDIENCE IS CLAPPING AND/OR SHOUTING.

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