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Monday, August 20, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Aug 20, 2012 at 9:30 AM

GOOD MORNING, NEWS! The boys really like it, the girls don't speak, they rollin' they eyes, they lip gloss cheap. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

In case you missed Blogtown yesterday, mayoral candidate Jefferson Smith gave us the exclusive deets on his... well, abysmal driving record. (If you're a terrible driver, this will make you feel a lot better.)

WHAT THE FUCK. Director Tony Scott (best known for the awesome Top Gun) jumped to his death from a Los Angeles bridge.

Locally, a man was also seen jumping from the Fremont Bridge earlier this morning... rescue attempts are underway.

Mittens Romney is spending the week frantically attempting to look more "relaxed" and less "aloof" for the upcoming convention. (Tip: Pull stick out of ass.)

U.S. Rep. Todd Akin (R-Missouri) now says he "misspoke" when he said that "legitimate rape" rarely resulted in pregnancy. Can someone please help me? I'm having trouble getting my jaw off the ground this morning.

In nicer news for women, the Augusta Golf Club has finally decided to admit ladies after being men-only since... 1932. Can we get some drapes up in here? Please?

At least four people were shot in the parking lot of a Texas Walmart because a) Texas and b) Walmart.

In "this is not going to end well" news, an 11-year-old Christian girl has been arrested for allegedly burning pages from the Quran—AND she may have Down Syndrome. EEEEEEK.

A group of Republicans are under fire for allegedly skinny-dipping in the Sea of Galilee during an Israel fact-finding mission. (I bet the Down Syndrome girl is in worse trouble.)

A child that appeared on the creepy pageant show Toddlers & Tiaras is the subject of a custody battle—because the kid was made to wear a padded bra and sculpting underwear. Geez! Wait until they're at least nine!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A cooler week ahead with clouds here and there and temps in the low to mid-70s.

And finally, hey Boston Terrier! Yeah, you! The one freaking out over the red ball! CALM... THE... FUCK... DOWN.

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