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Thursday, August 23, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Homosexual Implication

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 10:29 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

After six months of marriage—I'm a straight male—the sex had become routine. To remedy this, my wife and I discussed new things we might like to try. We were both being shy, so I said the first thing that came to mind: "Anal?" My wife got quiet and the conversation ended.

A couple weeks later, she brought up the conversation and showed me an article of yours that said if a man wants anal, he should take it first. I explained I wasn't that interested and that I only brought it up to spark a discussion. That sparked an argument. She also told me that she had already spent a lot of money on a strap-on because "you wanted this so bad."

Now anytime I bring up any kind of sex, it restarts this argument. She insists that I would not have brought up anal if I didn't really want it, and says I'm being unfair by not agreeing to give it up first. I just figured most couples at least experimented with anal. And while I understand you feel differently, I feel having sex with a cock, whether it is flesh or rubber, carries a homosexual implication.

My One Way Orifice

My response after the jump...

If having sex with a cock—flesh or rubber—carries a homosexual implication, then it would appear that you're an old pro at this gay sex stuff, MOWO, seeing as you've been having sex with a cock since you started giving yourself handjobs at—what? Twelve? Thirteen?

Fag.

Okay, backing up a bit: Straight men who are curious about anal penetration—the penetration of their own anuses—often create elaborate fantasy scenarios in which they're compelled to submit. Cruel-and- domineering-mistress scenarios, gay-rape scenarios, giving-it-up-to-get-it scenarios. These fantasies, while legit (and sometimes hot), are also very revealing: Many straight men view anal penetration as a pure power-and- domination trip for the top, and receptive anal sex as a nightmare to be endured for the bottom.

But, hey, I'm willing to suspend my disbelief, MOWO, and accept your rough and implausible premise: Your sex life went stale after six months of marriage despite the fact that you married the kind of woman who'll run out and buy a strap-on dildo the very first time her husband broaches the subject of anal sex. Alrighty...

It sounds like your wife is the one who's really interested in anal, MOWO. It also sounds like your wife is trying to shift all responsibility to you—insisting that you're the obsessed one—perhaps because, like many women, she believes (or worries that her husband believes) that "good" girls don't have filthy butt-sex fantasies. By insisting that this is all about your needs, MOWO, your wife doesn't have to admit to herself or to you that she's a dirty, dirty perv. She's just a nice, indulgent wife.

But since she's the one who ran out and bought a strap-on at the first hint of a discussion about the possibility of anal, well, that's a pretty good indication that your wife was harboring pegging fantasies long before you broached the subject. Perhaps it was my column that perved her, or maybe she went to the kind of college where they screen Bend Over Boyfriend during freshman orientation. (Yeah, I'm looking at you, WWU.)

And yes, MOWO, I believe the best way for a straight man to demonstrate to a straight woman that anal sex can be mutually pleasurable—that it's not (necessarily) about dominance and degradation—is to do the gentlemanly thing and go first. If I may paraphrase Barack Obama: Sometimes you gotta be the change that you seek.

And yes, MOWO, there are "homosexual implications" to pegging. (There will also be homosexual exclamations: If she pegs your ass properly, you should be squealing like an Idaho Republican.) But you can explore anal pleasure—your anus, mutual pleasure—without a scary ol' strap-on. Let her lay a vibrator over your asshole, not stick one in it. Or better yet, go buy a buttplug. Buttplugs looks like no dick you've ever seen—outside of sci-fi porn, perhaps—and carry far fewer of those dreaded homosexual implications.

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