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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Kinky Needs

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Aug 29, 2012 at 10:29 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back October 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

I'm a 29-year-old single gay man with some major kinks: I'm into bondage, diapers, and have a subby fantasy life. I'm wondering how someone with my kinks should approach dating. Should I look for a partner in the usual ways and hope that I find someone open-minded? Or should I look in kinky contexts?

I know that you've described diapers as "A Fetish Too Far." I'd be happy to find someone who's willing to get involved in some fairly serious bondage games and who isn't freaked out by my wearing diapers when he's not around. I doubt that an open relationship is the solution. Even if I had permission to play with others, I can't imagine being in a serious relationship without being able to share at least some of my fantasy life with my boyfriend.

Kinkster Needs Open-minded Type

My response after the jump...

You are so lucky that you're gay, KNOT.

There are websites where you can advertise—www.recon.com is a good place to start—and kinky spaces (leather bars, gay BDSM groups, pansexual kink community events, etc.) where you can hang out. But your odds of meeting a kinky or kink-tolerant partner even "in the usual ways" are much better than the average kinky straight guy's odds. So put yourself out there in both arenas—the kink ones and the usual ones—and date and disclose, date and disclose, and then date and disclose some more. Diapers may be AFTF for some, but they won't be deal-breakers for other diaper guys (they're out there) or for a guy who loves you to bits and is willing to do anything for you (he's out there, too).

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