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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Breaking Bad Chitty-Chat Club!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Sep 4, 2012 at 10:44 AM

Did you have a nice Labor Day? GOOD! That means you're rested up enough to chitty-chat about the slam-bang mid-season finale of Breaking Bad! WHERE THINGS HAPPENED. What kind of things? Check out my spoiler-filled recap after the jump, and let's chitty-chat this thing!

Uggh! Look... no, I do NOT want to save Mt. Hood... okay?!?
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Uggh! Look... no, I do NOT want to save Mt. Hood... okay?!?"

•••

Okay, here's what I'm thinking... but first? A MONTAGE!

1) Here's me walking to work, and tripping over a crack in the sidewalk. CUT TO: Me walking into the office, and sighing because once again, I'm the first to arrive. CUT TO: Me making coffee. CUT TO: Me doing 50 push-ups, shirtless. CUT TO: Me writing this sentence. CUT TO: Stopping to wonder if everybody is sick of Breaking Bad montages?

2) ANYWAY! The mid-season finale was entitled "Gliding Over All," and the opening sequence depicts Walt and Ricky Hitler just about to give Mike's dead body an acid bath, when... WHOOPSY! That was close. Jessie walks in, wondering if Walt was going to "take care" of the nine prison witnesses. Walt's all like, "Of course I am, now will you please leave, I'm in the middle of an acid bath!!"

3) Yay! Lydia returns! Pant! Pant! Ah-oooooh-gah! (That's me getting sexually excited.) She and Walt have non-lunch to discuss the fate of the nine (make that 10) prison witnesses, and Lydia smartly proposes distributing Walt's blue meth to the Czech Republic, which inspires Walt to say, "I love that idea so much I'm not going to poison you with the Riacin tucked under my hat uh-oh did I say that out loud shut up stupid mouth!"

4) Walt meets with Ricky Hitler's uncle (Uncle Hitler?) who is convinced his men can shiv the 10 prison blabbermouths in under two minutes. Okay then... SHIV THOSE BLABBERMOUTHS! Cue shivving montage.

5) Three months pass... CUE THREE MONTHS PASSING MONTAGE!

6) Skyler finally realizes she wants to stop neglecting her kids. (Gee, thanks mom!) So she drags Walt to a storage facility where he sees... KA-BOINGGGG! A motherloving honking stack of moo-lah-lah! "Is this enough to get out of the biz?" Skyler asks. It's a convincing argument—and Walt swears he's out... except (wink wink) he's not, is he?

7) Walt drops by Jessie's to freak the shit into his pants, AND drop off a big duffle bag full of... KA-BOINGGGG! Moo-lah-lah! To Jessie, this is preferable to being murdered by a shiv montage.

8) And so, everyone lives happily ever after... until Hank takes a pooper. Finding a Walt Whitman book on the toilet addressed to "W.W." (Walt) from G.B. (dead former chemist Gale Boetticher), Hank makes a startling discovery: there's no toilet paper! AND Walt is the blue meth kingpin! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

9) SO WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Are the coincidences and montages too much? Or was this a great mini-finale that is making you da-rool for 2013? And what will happen next? YOUR COMMENTS BELOW WILL REVEAL THE ANSWERS! (I'm going to the pooper.)

And now... a putting on my shirt montage.

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