This Week in the Mercury

Don't Be Such a Phrik

Food and Drink

Don't Be Such a Phrik

Which Sriracha Reigns Supreme? Our Judges Decide!

Meet the New Queen


Meet the New Queen

Forget Beyoncé—Bow Before Cherry Glazerr

Friday, September 7, 2012

Can We Just Talk About the Onion's Convention Coverage For a Second

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Fri, Sep 7, 2012 at 10:59 AM

... because holy shit it has been great. My favorite up until last night was "John McCain Just Blew His Brains Out During RNC Speech"—

While witnesses said that McCain waved, smiled, and “seemed perfectly fine” at the outset of his speech, they noted that minutes into the address the senator paused and glared at someone’s “Romney-Ryan 2012” sign, at which point he stopped speaking, took a deep breath, and—appearing somewhat dazed—asked the crowd, “Um…where were we?” which drew a round of uncomfortable laughter.

—but last night's "Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87" might've just taken the cake.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Accepting his renomination at the Democratic National Convention on Thursday, Vice President Joe Biden countered recent Republican criticisms by asserting that most Americans were indeed better off than they were four ago, but he acknowledged that life still paled in comparison to that one “killer fucking” summer in 1987.

Dressed in a slightly ripped Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, Biden tapped the top of an Icehouse tallboy, cracked it open, and then informed the 20,000 people in attendance that while the economy is no longer hemorrhaging jobs as it was in 2008, nothing, “not even that little trip I took to Thailand in ’92,” could ever live up to the unforgettable months of June through August 1987, when “the skirts were short, the brews were cold, and you couldn’t walk 2 feet without stepping into some grade-A tang.”

Also recommended: "Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness'," "Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd," "'You Did Great!' Terrified Personal Assistant Tells Clint Eastwood," and the horrifically accurate "Unemployed Man Who Had To Move Back In With His Parents Still For Obama."

On Topic...

Comments (3)

Showing 1-3 of 3

Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-3 of 3

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy