I've watched every iPhone announcement to date, so I think I've got a pretty good handle on them. I'm going to save you time now by running through the iPhone 5 announcement coming up on September 12th as if I'd already seen it, because I pretty much have.
Apple makes more money than you
All the announcements begin with a summary of how well the company is doing. Spoiler alert: very well. Then there's always a graph of some kind. Here's one.
The iPhone 5 finally revealed
The iPhone 5 will be an incredible, magical, fantasticalicious, scrumdidlyumptious piece of technology. It will be very, very different than the iPhone 4S. Tim will be holding it, but I'll just show you a picture.
I KNOW! IT'S AMAZING! Note the continued use of rounded corners, something Apple invented and received a patent for several years ago.
More magical, physically impossible revelations after the jump!
Now with 4G
Besides the revolutionary new design, the biggest difference with the iPhone 5 is the advance from 3G to 4G Internet connectivity (a 33% increase in G). This feature really is a game changer. Nobody's ever had 4G in a phone before and they invented 4G so be prepared for them to tell you how cool 4G is now. It wasn't cool last year, when everybody else was using it, but now that they've invented it, it's awesome.
The longer the presentation goes, the bigger the superlatives. Last year they were quite fond of the word "magical" so to top it, I'm guessing they'll go with "physically impossible" this time around.
The iPhone 5 will ship with completely different different headphones from previous iPhones. They look like the old ones, but this is completely new. These PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE headphones somehow transport sound from the phone directly into your ears.
Apple is poised to revolutionize the world of phone-to-computer cables. No, it won't be micro USB, the connector that every other phone in the world has used for almost a decade to make people's life easier, and it won't be the old cable that you had before, it'll be a whole new totally unusable on anything else amazing cable!
One more thing
Maybe they'll announce that somebody actually used the iTunes social network Ping? Or that Apple TV has sold over a dozen units to date? Whatever it is, it'll be physically impossible.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!