This Week in the Mercury


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Today in My Email: Oh, Nothing Much Except for BEYONCE?!?

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Sep 13, 2012 at 9:59 AM

Here's something that should cheer up our Andrew R Tonry a little bit. As you know he went to the Democratic National Convention last week, and wrote the following... oh, how do you say... depressed-as-fuck treatise on Obama, the DNC, and the state of American politics in general. It's fascinating, thought-provoking stuff for sure, and you should definitely read it. HOWEVER! As bad as things get in America today, I can't be too much of a sour apple about it because...

LOOK WHAT I FOUND WAITING FOR ME IN MY EMAIL TODAY.

Screen_shot_2012-09-13_at_8.50.10_AM.png

Okay so first I had to stop squealing, pick my jaw up off the floor, and run to the restroom to change my underpants. Then I opened the email.

Screen_shot_2012-09-13_at_8.53.46_AM.png

Okay, seven things:

1) She's right. Beyonce doesn't "usually email" me. Because I have the worst life ever.
2) Jay... Jay... Jay... OH! Her husband Jay-Z! (Why does she always have to bring him along to everything?)
3) President Obama... President Obama... President Obama... OH! The president of the United States Barack Obama. (Am I EVER going to get any alone time with her?)
4) So I've got until midnight tonight to give her $15 for an opportunity to be flown to NYC and not be alone with her? HMMMMMM. I dunno. And this is starting to sound like one of those "Nigerian bank scams."
5) The hotel is "taken care of" which I assume means I will be staying with Beyonce (and what's-his-name) in their hotel? Now THIS might be worth $15.
6) SHE CANNOT WAIT TO MEET ME, GUYS!!!! (Swoon)
7) B... B... B... OH! "Beyonce." I get it.

Anyway, to the smart but undeniably grumpy-dump Andrew R Tonrys of the world: CHEER UP, FRANCIS! Has there EVER been a world leader who can get BEYONCE KNOWLES to write an email to ME on his behalf? NO, THERE HAS NOT, MY FRIEND. And that is why I say, "This is my America! AND I'M PUTTIN' A RING ON IT!"

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