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Monday, September 17, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Sep 17, 2012 at 9:31 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Black air and seven seas all rotten through—but what can you do? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Happy first anniversary of Occupy Wall Street! And to celebrate, police arrest dozens of (out of hundreds) of protesters who tried to block the entrance to the New York Stock Exchange.

Chicago officials file a court order to end the town's teacher strike immediately claiming it represents “a clear and present danger to public health and safety.” (They're right! The only time I get to shop in Forever 21 is when those lousy kids are in school!)

TRADE WAR!! (Or maybe trade skirmish?) The Obama administration files suit agains China for unfair subsidies of cars and auto parts. China says, "OH, YEAH?? Well, we're filing suit against YOU for the way you calculate penalty tariffs in anti-subsidy cases. BOOM-SHACKA-LACKA!" (I do the best impersonation of China!)

At least 15 Afghan policemen were injured as more riots erupt in the country. Thanks a pant-load, stupid anti-Muslim movie trailer (and stupid fundamentalist Islamists, too)!

Hezbollah leader Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah warns that the United States can expect "repercussions" if we don't censor that idiot and his idiot film.

Meanwhile more unrest of a different nature: Japan shuts down three Panasonic plants after protesters set one on fire, and attack other companies as well—all over disputed islands in the East China Sea.

The Boy Scouts are facing more trouble as decades of reports documenting sex offenders within the organization will be released in the coming weeks. So much for Scout's honor.

Guys! Mittens Romney is trying out a brand new message (since the others haven't worked so well). In a nutshell, it's "Go ahead! Hate the rich (me)!"

And in case you're wondering there is absolutely no disarray within the floundering Mittens Romney camp. Absolutely none at all.

Oh, sure! I'll give up being editor of the Mercury... WHEN IT SNOWS ON MARS. HAW!! (Wait... it's snowing on Mars?)

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: MORE SUMMER with highs in the mid-80s all week long!

And finally, two cute kids doing the "Thriller" dance on a bed! (Stick around for the not-so-surprising surprise ending.)


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