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Thursday, September 20, 2012

Stuff Moms Do On Facebook

Posted by Alex Falcone on Thu, Sep 20, 2012 at 10:44 AM

Facebook has largely survived the great momalanche of 2007-2008. The rest of us didn't leave in huge numbers like we promised. When the moms showed up, though, they brought with them their own set of mom-behaviors that, while harmless, should nonetheless be stopped.

Moms sign their comments and messages. "Looks like you're having a great weekend. —Mom" It's very useful in case Facebook doesn't properly load her picture, name, or profile link. Or in case you forget that she uses her maiden name so her elementary school friends will find her.

Moms share images with text on them. I'm not talking about the racist Obama-related images. That's something aunts and cousins post. And not that Ira Glass quote that resurges every few weeks. Mom's are big fans of single-panel comics that aren't funny (isn't it funny how kids are always saying "like"?) and happy thoughts so generic they'd make Hallmark vomit.

Moms' walls are like the ceiling of the dentist's office. Happy Thursday morning, everybody. Don't forget to hang in there.

Moms post non sequitur comments. Moms have not yet realized that other people can see your Facebook posts. No matter what you just posted, they pick up on your previous conversation. You share an awesome picture of the donut burger you're about to eat. She says, "Have you seen your sister's new kitten? So cute! —Mom"

Moms ask why you didn't wish your cousin a happy birthday. Because, mom. Facebook isn't about other people and their stupid birthdays. Facebook is about me telling people funny things. Oh, and looking at wedding pictures.

Moms get upset every time Morgan Freeman dies. They're so bummed! He was such a great actor. "I loved him in that penguin movie and The Matrix. —Mom" And then a week later, they're bummed all over again. This time it must be real. "Happy Thursday, everybody. Hang in there, Morgan Freeman's family. —Mom"

I don't think moms should leave Facebook. I love not having to call my mom to tell her that I'm getting over my cold, had a great audition, or got engaged. She knows because she checks FB regularly. But it's also pleasant to spend time on Twitter because mom stuff doesn't happen there. Or on Google+ where nothing happens at all.


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