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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Oct 3, 2012 at 9:30 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! If your girl could only see, how you be calling me, getting fresh with me. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Don't forget the first of the Presidential Debates are tonight—watch 'em all with the Mercury... they're FREE!—and while Mittens has to pull off the best performance of his life, it's Obama's game to lose.

In an extremely sad and lame attempt to sway the masses, conservatives are releasing a five-year-old—and widely seen at the time—video of Obama chastising the federal government for the way they treated black people following Hurricane Katrina. Annnnd... this is supposed to be a negative?

Though there's good news for Obama to report at tonight's debate: Economists say that housing market has finally recovered.

Back in 2008, dumb-butt Missouri Republican Rep. Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin said that doctors who performed abortions were "terrorists," and give "abortions to women who are not actually pregnant." Because... because... okay, I have no idea.

And it just don't stop: Bombs hit Aleppo, a major city in Syria, killing at least 40.

The operators of fans sites for Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez and more are being heavily fined to the tune of $1 million for illegally collecting personal information on thousands of children. GAH-ROSS.

Vatican police reveal that the Pope's thieving ex-butler got away with at least "1,000 important documents." (But he couldn't steal a single pointy hat?)

TMZ has obtained video of rapper Nicki Minaj going OFF on American Idol co-judge Mariah Carey! ME-to-the-OW!

In case you missed it, mayoral candidate Jefferson Smith released the settlement document describing his dropped assault case from way back in 1993. BUT WAIT!! THIS JUST IN... BREAKING NEWS!! In 1980, Jefferson Smith hid Jimmy McGregor's Trapper Keeper behind the boy's toilet at Millard Fillmore Elementary! (Psst! Thanks for the tip, mud-slingers! And don't worry, somebody will keep publishing 'em!)

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sunny, windy, with highs in the low '70s—but heating up a bit this weekend!

And finally, here's a terrific "Bad Lip Reading" of Paul Ryan's video diary. (If he actually was in a band called "Steak Baby," I'd like him 37 percent more.)

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