Although up-and-coming comedian Alex Falcone is now writing hilarious and popular blog posts for us on the reg (and, we might add, totally exceeding our expectations for how much humor can be packed into a simple blog post), we're still going to revisit his Tour Diary from time to time to remind us of those wonderful early days before we made the best decision of our lives and hired him on.—Editors (actually I just wrote this myself to save the editors time. But it's what they would have written anyway.—AF)
Even though Boise is centered on a river, there's so little moisture in the air it feels like a dystopian future where the government has stolen all the water and won't let poor people have any. The moment you step off the plane in their adorable little airport, your lips shrivel up like two prunes humping in an incinerator.
To rehydrate my body (which was now only 8% water), I rushed to the hotel and took a 45 minute shower. The stall in my hotel room was one of those all tile numbers with no door where the water falls from the middle of the ceiling. It felt like by not having an orgy in there, I was using it improperly. It also had a glass wall that I used to leave a creepy message for future guests:
The people of Les Bois (originally named by French fur-trappers, the name is translated as "Hey, This Isn't Half Bad For Idaho") only care about one thing: the Boise State Broncos football team. B.S.U. (heh, B.S.) plays all their football games using a singular strategy: blind the other team with the ugliest uniforms in NCAA history.
Many Boiseans were happy to talk endlessly about their team. Until recently, I was told, they wore electric-blue uniforms while playing on their electric-blue carpet. They had to stop because people thought this gave them a competitive advantage. I would think it does; it would be hard to win a football game when all your players are trying to take their own life to relieve the burning sensation in their eyeballs.
Even though I didn't understand their visual style, I found Boisites to be quite pleasant. They laughed at my jokes and bought my merch. One woman bought a sticker and told me "I'm gonna put this on my ammo box." I don't know what that means, but I'm pretty sure "box" is what Boiseries call a vagina.