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Monday, October 15, 2012

The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Oct 15, 2012 at 10:44 AM

Well, well, well! Look who's back for another season of zombie skull skewering: It's The Walking Dead—but hold on... are you telling me it's even more bleak than usual? AND SOMEBODY GOT BIT? Dude... we gotta chitty-chat about this! Join me after the jump for my spoilery thoughts on last night's episode, and let's get chitty-chatting!

Not the face!! Not My Beautiful FAAAACE!!

So here's what I'm thinking about this episode entitled, "Seed"...

1) Apparently the collective snores of America were heard, because FINALLY the gang has escaped from Farmer McSnoozy's farm and are back where they belong: running for their lives and squishin' zombie skulls.

2) Roughly six months have passed because Lori's baby is practically sticking it's head out of her veej to see what all the noise is about. Also Carl is about a foot taller, and a card-carrying member of the NRA. (Sweet silencer, Carl!)

3) The gang is being encroached upon on all sides by the undead (damn urban sprawl!), so it's whoopty-doo time when they find a prison which could be a great home... you know... all things considered. Basically, it just needs to be cleaned up a bit—which means a hilariously long sequence of jabbing out zombie eyes with fireplace pokers, and a stupid waste of ammunition. (Next time shoot your guns in the air to celebrate, idiots.)

4) Once the yard is cleared, everyone is ready to camp out for awhile... except of course, Dictator Rick who wants to go on a massive zombie hunt and reclaim the inside of the prison for themselves. Lori is all like, "I'm a wet blanket, Rick! I apparently assume I can live outside with no tents or cover for a long time and give a healthy, happy birth to my child! Also, why does everyone hate me?"

5) Cut to Michonne (the ninja who leads two jawless, armless zombies around on chains—which I can accept... but did she really have to save Blondie McGunnerson? I STILL HATE HER.) Anyway, Blondie is all like, "Leave me behind, I'm only slowing you dowwwwwn!" And we're all like, "She's absolutely right! Leave her behind, because she's slowing you dowwwwn and also we hate herrrrrrrr!!"

6) After a couple of campfire songs—who is that young blonde girl that wants to bone Carl, by the way? I figure she's the farmer's daughter who went nutzo last season, but she's so unremarkable I can't recall. ANYWAY! The gang fights their way into the prison—learning how to dispatch zombie riot cops in the process. (I hope the anarchists weren't watching this!) And once they're in their cells, the first thing everybody wants to do is BONE. Sophie's mom tries to bone redneck Darryl, Maggie tries to bone Glenn, and Carl tries to bone Campfire Girl. The only who's NOT gonna bone is Lori, because she's a wet blanket AND THE WORST. (Hey, Lori! Your unborn baby isn't dead! It's just IGNORING you, like everyone else is trying to do.)

7) It's a new day! Which means it's time for another assault on the prison—this time to look for food and weapons. The gang wanders into a dark, creeeeepy part of the prison (which looks like a promo for American Horror Story: Asylum debuting this Wednesday on FX, I wasn't paid to write that), and naturally they're attacked and find themselves separated from each other. While trying to find his daughter, Farmer McSnoozy gets leg bit by a VERY sneaky zombie. (Have you noticed how some are super crafty but most are dumb as rocks? What's up with that?) Well, I guess there's nothing left to do but CHOP, CHOP, CHOP McSnoozy's leg off. Because... ummm... well... since he's gonna become a zombie regardless, there wasn't a really good reason to do that, was there? But how often do you get the opportunity to chop off someone's leg, amirite?

8) WHAAAAAT THAAAAA FAAAAAAWWWK??? There are other non-zombie prisoners living here??? (Even if you haven't read the comics, you saw that coming from a mile away, didn't you?)

9) So that was that one. I liked it because I like senseless violence, with as little humanity as possible. BUT WHAT DID YOU THINK? Don't just sit there... let's get chitty-chatting!

Left eyeball in the corner pocket. Kaaaa-zing!
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Left eyeball in the corner pocket." Kaaaa-zing!

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