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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

SL Letter of the Day: Crossing Over

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Oct 23, 2012 at 10:29 AM

I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back November 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan

Originally published November 26, 2009:

I am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year, I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It's been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted to women, but it doesn't bother me that I suddenly feel this way.

I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A long-term romantic relationship with him does not interest me, but I do love him as a friend and don't want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a one-time thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience.

Straight Except For One Guy

My response after the jump...

While you're open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can't "have you"—i.e., you're never gonna gay marry him—may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to "save the friendship"—duh—and he may dread the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him when the inevitable happens and you wind up in a LTR with a woman.

All that said, SEFOG, I'm going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We're men, real men, just like straight men. We're good at having sex without getting emotionally attached—some of us are a little too good at it—and a single gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he's attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing that gay men are better at than straight men—besides deep-throating—is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, et al.

Lob your balls into your friend's court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don't see why you won't be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.

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