Grover's Corners Hasn't Aged Well
I'm on hiatus while working on a manuscript for a new book. In the meantime, please enjoy these classic Savage Love letters pulled from previous columns. I will be back November 1st, when the book is finished. —Dan
Originally published July 30, 2009:
I'm a 60-year-old white male, securely retired from a successful professional career. I own a nice home that's paid for. I ought to be happy, right? There's just one catch: I'm still a virgin.
Growing up, I suffered the outcast status to which class brains are routinely assigned. So I fell behind socially. Then I went to an elite, all-male university and fell even further behind. The sexual revolution passed me by. So I retreated into my career. I never learned how to date. I considered paying for sex, but I decided that was the equivalent of admitting that I was a failed human being. Now I spend my days consumed with loneliness, resentment of the past, and a constant longing for a hint of intimacy. Longevity is a family trait, and I expect to live into my 90s. Is there any plausible way to salvage something from this mess?
Stop The Parade, I Want To Get On
My response after the jump...
You've got a big advantage over ALONE, STPIWTGO, in that you're financially secure. That's something that many women look for in men—women are sex objects, men are success objects, blah blah blah—and you could leverage your professional success to your personal advantage. You wouldn't be the first man who was paying for sex but, since he was careful to launder the money through a relationship, wouldn't have to admit to "paying for sex." So, STPIWTGO, why not sell the house, move to a retirement community where single women outnumber the men, wear nice clothes, and drive a nice car?
But first: See a doctor. Reading your letter, I wondered if you don't suffer from an undiagnosed case of mild-to-moderate autism. There's no cure, but a diagnosis might make you feel like less of a failure, STPIWTGO, and it could give you a better idea of the obstacles you need to overcome to make a personal and romantic connection with a woman between now and death. And I know you're opposed to "paying for it"—no conveniently located and economically priced sex workers for you—but you also might want to consider seeing a shrink who can refer you to a sexual surrogate. Then your insurer will pay for it, STPIWTGO, not you.