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Monday, November 5, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Nov 5, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! That's when she told me a story 'bout free milk and a cow, and she said no huggy, no kissy until I get a wedding vow. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

It's a supposed "dead heat" between Obama and Romney according to the drama queens at CNN. You should still vote, though! Here's our voter's cheat sheet.

"Undecided voters": Pssht. THE WORST.

Veep wannabe Paul Ryan says that Obama "compromises Judeo-Christian values." HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Good one, LIAR.

Shockingly, Florida is already being accused of voter suppression—and they should, because they're Florida.

Another scary byproduct of Hurricane Sandy: lack of proper housing.

The upper west side nanny charged with stabbing the two children she was caring for, told authorities she was tired of the parents "always telling her what to do." Okay, I will never look at my employees the same way again.

Apple sold 3 million superfluous half-laptops (also known as iPads) just over the weekend.

OHHHH GOD. Here's the worst, most heartbreaking story of the day.

The 86-year-old former keeper of the Boy Scout files documenting sexual abuse speaks out. (And sounds exactly like the guy who drove the trains for the Nazis.)

Locally, an emergency meeting will be held in Clackamas County this morning to discuss their ballot tampering scandal—meanwhile a recall effort has been launched to oust their county clerk overseeing the election.

A dumbass who looks like he wants to look like Prince threw a Molotov cocktail at a Portland Police squad car.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Mostly dry and warmish through tomorrow—though on Wednesday the chilly weather returns.

And finally, in this HILARIOUS parody from SNL, Louis C.K.'s sitcom character is reimagined as Abraham Lincoln. PERFECT.

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