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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Nov 7, 2012 at 9:28 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Seen a lot of things in this old world. When I touch them, they mean nothing, girl. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A rising up and comer, Barack Obama, won the presidency last night against yet another white guy who was shocked that for the first time in his life something wasn't handed to him on a silver platter. FUN!

Actually a pretty terrible day for white men in general—as Latino voters pushed Obama over the top. RAH!

For those who refused to get nervous yesterday because you were "listening to Nate Silver"—you (and he) were right. BOO-YAH.

Democrats also won big in the Senate, snatching away seats in Indiana and Massachusetts. YESSS!

While Republicans still cling to the House of Representatives, does this election signal the beginning of the end of the Tea Party? HOPE SO!

Big victories for same sex marriage in Maine and Maryland—still waiting for word from Washington state. Still... WOOT!

Colorado and Washington state approved legislation to legalize marijuana, and somehow Oregon fucked it up? Blame our state's shitty potheads! Seriously guys, if you can't do it yourself... hire somebody who can.

Locally, Charlie Hales gets the overwhelming "meh" vote, Commissioner Amanda Fritz triumphs over big money and nastiness, and it's schools, libraries, and arts for the win. ALSO! Drunken revelry won big last night at the super fun Mercury Election Night Wing-a-ding-ding (Party) at the Doug Fir! Thanks for coming, everybody! DEMOCRACY IS (HIC) AWESHOME.

Naturally the Vatican has to put their two cents worth in about Obama's victory. SHUT UP, POPE.

Here's some news that got swallowed up in the election mire: Shamed Rep. Anthony Weiner returns to Twitter—with his clothes on!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Mostly sunny, though colder, through Sunday!

Oh, and did you know the Mercury now comes out on Wednesdays? (Finally! A newspaper to read on Wednesdays!) And we have a fancy new look? (Don't worry, inside it's the same old shit!) And a new columnist that you'll like very much? (Ain't gonna tell ya! Pick it up for yourself today and see!)

And finally, POOR DONALD TRUMP!!!

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HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! "The Loser One." HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!

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