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Monday, November 12, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Nov 12, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! And baby we can do it, take the time, do it right, we can do it, baby. Do it tonight! LET'S GO TO PRESS.

For the second day in a row, Israel fires on and hits Syria's artillery. In other words, no more "warning shots."

The FBI discovered General Petraeus' affair with his biographer back in summer, but were reticent to disclose the details because a) no crime had been committed, and b) someone else's sex life is kinda not their business?

Scandal on Sesame Street! The guy who provides the voice for Elmo has been accused of an inappropriate relationship with a teenage boy.

Scandal at the Waffle House! The CEO of the famous chain of Southern restaurants is accused of doing some very gross sexual things with his personal assistant. Enjoy your waffles!

Rather than try to negotiate with an obstinate House (because we all know how well that went the first time), President Obama is taking his plans for deficit reduction to... THE PEOPLE. (Hey, that's you.)

Well, here's one Republican who's starting to see the light. Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol says we should let Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy expire. “Really, the Republican Party is going to fall on its sword to defend a bunch of millionaires, half of whom voted Democratic and half of whom live in Hollywood?” he said. He still doesn't quite get it, does he?

By 2020 the U.S. will overtake Saudi Arabia as the world's largest oil producer. Ummm... yay? Yay! Yay?

The VP of Iran says his country will break "Obama's grasping hands." That's kind of creepy when he puts it that way.

Locally, Intel will end their support for the Oregon Boy Scouts due to their homophobic policies. And so the collapse begins!

Teen star Selena Gomez DUMPS Justin Bieber over allegations he was spending too much time with a Victoria's Secret model. CUE THE INSANE TEEN TWITTER DEATH THREATS!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Shitty today and tomorrow morning, but expect a dry, sunny Wednesday and Thursday!

And finally, let's start the week with a supercut of movie stars smashing through glass. Guys! Don't walk around in socks! I haven't cleaned it up yet!

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