Hi everybody! It's me, Joneser, and this is a live-blog of the television event of the century. Borrow some jewelry, do a quick hit and run, and let's get exhausted; there's about to be a lot of Lizzing and Dicking in here.
It's all happening right below the jump!
8:50 HI. I'M EXCITED. NOTHING IS HAPPENING YET.
8:55 As you might recall from my...famous?... Recaps for Poor People, I don't have cable. I am writing this from my brother's house. In LA. Lindsay Lohan is probably down the street from me right this very second. ZOMG.
9:00 HERE WE GO! Are we gonna see boobs? I hope so!
9:02 Is this bad already? I don't know, I liked those opening credits.
9:04 Inside the Actor's Studio, with Lindsay Lohan pretending to be an aristocrat.
9:08 According to wikipedia, Richard Burton smoked 60 - 100 cigarettes a day, and drank up to three bottles of vodka. He and Lindsay totally would have been pals! Then he would have given her diamonds and she wouldn't have had to steal. So. Smart casting.
9:11 This is going so fast. So many cuts. Welsh...Don Juan... drinking ... Cleopatra ... turbans....
9:12 Boner alert!
9:13 He calls her dumpy and...yeah.
9:15 My brother made soup for dinner. Guess what food is not conducive to live-blogging? YEP. SOUP.
9:17: Richard and Eddie face off for the hand of Elizabeth Taylor. They're all assholes! DTMFA! (Eddie Fisher is Carrie Fisher's dad. So, she dumped Darth Vader, basically.) (Carrie Fisher used to date Paul Simon. And now I have to close wikipedia.)
9:23 Richard Burton is one cheesy mofo. "I've got a whole ocean in you." BARF.
9:25 Oh shit, smoking and cooking eggs for a dude in a toga? This is awesome now.
9:27: Nope. This is really bad. Ugh, more oceans. Shut up.
9:30 First big LOL of the show: Lohan turning and running into the bedroom, crying, like a bratty child who does not want to accept responsibility for running over somebody's foot. And pills!! Yes.
9:37 Lindsay Lohan's lips are an ocean. A bloated ocean. High tide in the lip sea.
9:38 "I'M SO BORED!!!!1!!"
9:40 If you want to die of alcohol poisoning really soon, take a shot whenever Lohan/Taylor sighs.
9:43 I am dead now.
9:48 It's the dad from The Nanny!! His accent makes a lot more sense than anything else I've seen tonight.
9:52 This back and forth between Elizabeth's life and the actor's studio is confusing. "Elizabeth! Where are you?" "I'm here, my love." YOU GUYS: THIS. FUCKING. SUCKS. IT. IS. SO. DUMB.
9:54 No! I love it. I am Elizabeth Taylor, and this show is Richard Burton. So much passionate frenching, but a lot of heartache too.
9:59 "I'm shagging him senseless!" Be my life please.
10:01 Richard Burton's wife left him. She seemed like a bore. She's no Elindsabeth Tayhan!
10:03 Ha, Lohan said "thespian" like "lesbian."
10:06 I'M SO BORED. That's not a quote, that is just me talking. I expected a lot more alcoholism and fucking. All we're getting is weird accents and horrible edits. YAWN.
10:08 Lohan's wedding outfit is straight outta pinterest. Give those fuckers some mason jars!
10:11 DUDE FROM SEX AND THE CITY!!!! He's my favorite. Brady! (My brother ID'ed that for me.)
10:13 If Richard Burton were alive and young today, he would wear a fedora and have a neck beard. Right?? SMOKE BREAK. (I'm drunk.)
10:19 "Cleofatra." "Fat as a hippo!" You guys: this is heaven.
10:20 Elizabeth Taylor had hella kids?
10:25 They are broke so they bought a yacht and brought along a personal photographer. The same thing happened a couple of months ago when I couldn't make my mortgage.
10:26 The best way to make those pudgy hands beautiful is to fill 'em up with Welsh dick.
10:28 These Les Mis ads are my favorite part of this movie.
10:31 Am I correct that only ONE glass has been thrown against a wall so far?? Fuck this waste of time.
10:33 The thing that sucks is that this would actually be a good story if it were well-produced and on HBO.
10:36 Oh, that wet blanket is his brother? This narrative is lacking. Or I am lacking.
10:38 This Elizabeth Taylor yachting outfit is straight up 2007 hot mess. And she is locking her husband into the boat! She's a sassy hot mess. I love her, yet also, somehow, hate myself.
10:39 Her character is turning 40. Lohan is 26, yet sounds 70.
10:41 Richard Burton has a very Dina Lohan vibe, doesn't he?
10:43 The actor's studio shots are the worst. No. It is all the worst. In the best way. Too many feelings. I...CLEOFATRA! I don't know. Are my hands pudgy??
10:47 Fuck. I should get cable.
10:49 BREAKIN' SHIT!!!!!! FUCK THE POOOOLLIIICCCCEEE.
10:52 Elizndsay Tayhan has the butt cancer. :((((((( I love this television experience so now I am sad. Fetch the neckbeard!!
10:58 THEY ARE MARRIED AGAIN! IN BOTSWANA! Makes sense. Not.
10:59 1984 LIZ!!!!! YES! HAIR!! LOVE. Richard Burton died. :(
11:00 I could watch Elindsabeth Loylor in wigs for years. My parents used to have old wigs from the local theater company. I have loads of pics of me in wigs in their too-large clothes. It's what this scene looks like.
11:01 EMMY. EMMY. EMMY. EMMYLABETH TAYHAN.
11:03 Balls, I couldn't even write a closing sentence before this shit started again. So, I am signing off. I loved watching this with you all like how wigged-out Lindsay loved neckbeard Burton. I will break a glass against a wall and french all of you times a million. GOOD NIGHT (said in a weird accent.)
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!