This Week in the Mercury


Monday, November 26, 2012

Cupcakes are the Hatecrimes of the Cake World

Posted by Alex Falcone on Mon, Nov 26, 2012 at 1:29 PM

I'm getting married next summer. While that should probably translate to a ton of work, so far it's only meant spending whole days looking at pictures of cake on Pinterest. It's thoroughly delightful. My only problem is some people seem to think it's okay to classify cupcakes as cakes. They are not. They are an insult to cakes.

Cupcakes are horrible. Sure, you can decorate them to look like pandas...

panda-cupcake.jpg

...but you can do that with real cakes too and they're way more impressive.

kung-fu-panda-cake.JPG

What problem has the cupped cake solved? Were people complaining that pieces of cake needed to be smaller and more expensive? Cupcakes cost more than equivalent amounts of actual cake, and for what? FOR WHAT? Because they have 100% more paper? It's not even good paper. It would jam up your printer every time.

Then there's the frosting. Frosting is great and all, but it can't be the focus. Anybody over 5 years old knows that too much frosting can ruin a good slice of cake. And cupcakes took the centuries-old perfect ratio and screwed it all to hell. Every cupcake is like the corner piece of a grocery store sheet cake. It seems like a good idea when you're waiting your turn, but you'll regret it almost immediately. Oh, and they added paper to this stupid corner piece. In case I need to write a short note to the bakery telling them to go fuck themselves.

And then it got worse. Somebody came up with the idea of cake pops, like a cupcake with more sticks in it. It's like they were punishing me for seeing through their cupcake ruse. Obviously cake pops are just a way for women at Starbucks to convince themselves that they're not really breaking their diet. "It doesn't count as calories if it's on a stick." That may be true, but it also doesn't count as cake.

It's only a matter of months before everybody is selling Cake Morsels and then by 2015, I'll be paying $10 for a barista to just whisper the word cake into my ear.

Cake doesn't need to be improved on. It doesn't have any paper or sticks on it, the way God intended. It's just a slice of cakey perfection. Or, in my case, a series of images of cakey perfection that single girls shared on Pinterest in case they ever find somebody to marry.

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