This Week in the Mercury


Monday, December 3, 2012

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Dec 3, 2012 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Don't care who's watching when we tearing it up, that magic that we got nobody can touch (for sure). LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The fiscal cliff looms ever closer—and yet the two parties can't even agree on one of the smallest aspects of deficit slashing... the downpayment.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton issues some tough talk to Syria, warning them that if they use chemical weapons against their own people... well... we're gonna do SOMETHING.

Meanwhile Syrian warplanes bomb another neighborhood killing nearly 60 and sending people scrambling for their lives (some without arms or legs).

According to a diplomatic source, the Syrian foreign ministry spokesman has defected—probably because it would be easier to defend Lindsay Lohan.

Hey kids who think organized religion is bunk! The Pope's on Twitter now! Follow him! (Oh, but he won't be following you.)

Portland vandals behead the Grotto's Baby Jesus and toss his noggin into a Travel Lodge dumpster. BABY JESUS!!

The Supreme Court remains mum on whether or not they'll re-hear certain cases pertaining to same-sex marriage.

Britain's Prince William and Catherine Middleton have a royal bun in the oven! I declare thee, "Prince Fetus."

A probable drug running boat strikes a Coast Guard vessel, killing one of the Guardsmen.

Nine people are killed when sections of a Japanese highway tunnel collapse.

Kid Rock says there are "no hard feelings" regarding Obama's election win. Now... who exactly is this "Kid Rock" person again?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Gusty and showery today and tomorrow, which things clearing up a bit on Wednesday.

And finally, a Seaworld dolphin bites a little girl on the hand—because dolphins can sense EVIL!!

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