This Week in the Mercury

Rebel Girl, Redux

Theater

Rebel Girl, Redux

Kathleen Hanna Doesn't Want a Riot Grrrl Revival. Neither Should We.


Shouting Into the Void

Film

Shouting Into the Void

In 111 Minutes, 15 New Movies From Russell Crowe



Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A Newcomer's Guide to Portland in the Winter!

Posted by Bobby Roberts on Tue, Dec 18, 2012 at 9:31 AM

Snowstorm.png

It's snowing! Snow and Portland enjoy a strange, wonderful relationship, and if you wish to celebrate the miracle of cold, puffy water falling slowly to the wet, unforgiving pavement in the way a real Portlander would, this is how you do it!

IF INDOORS:

Step 1: Lick the nearest window

Well, maybe don't go so far as to lick it, but fly immediately to it, and press your face as close as you can to the cold glass, all while proclaiming some variation of the phrase "It's snowing!" or "Snow!" or "Snuaah!" or "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE." This doesn't have to be sustained for the length of the snowfall, give yourself rest periods back at your desk/couch before returning to the window to resume the excited vigil.

Step 2: Lick the nearest phone

Well, maybe don't go so far as to lick it, but do exactly what you did to the window, but on your phone, preferably via your twitter or facebook accounts. The resultant effort should look something like this.

Twitter.png

WHAT NOT TO DO:

Many of you reading this are here from places in the midwest, where flakes of crystallized water fall in amounts that would cause most Portlanders to completely seize up and keel over upon hearing tell of their legend. You will be tempted to indulge a minor amount of scoffing, sharing sentiments along the lines of "Oh, I'm from Minnesota, we don't close anything unless there's about two feet of snow on the ground, and even then, it doesn't always happen."

You will make it halfway through that sentence before someone from Portland farts on you. That is the penalty for daring to lord your Winter Weather expertise over the locals. You will be shunned for the rest of the day, for as long as the snow continues to fall. Do not remark upon the fact that none of it is sticking, either. Just be quiet and wait the 15 minutes for whatever is falling out of the sky to stop doing so. Their madness will recede after another 10 minutes, and they might even completely forget both your transgression and their flatulent response.

IF YOU ARE OUTSIDE:

If you are operating any vehicle containing wheels of any sort, make haste towards the nearest highway or freeway. A sufficiently busy street will also suffice. Immediately abandon your car in the middle of said thoroughfare. Do not bother to turn off the lights, or close any doors.

While walking away from your sacrificed motor carriage, you will be tempted to stride, as abandoning your car in the middle of the freeway seems like a badass thing to do. Do not stride. You will likely slip and bust your ass on the cold wet pavement, which will likely have zero snow on it to cushion your fall. Instead, employ a stooped, shuffling gait, and stare down at your feet as you scuttle slowly away from your car. This helps in that you are not noticing the legions of drivers who, panicked at the sight of miniature water pillows descending upon their windshield, are whipsawing their vehicle back and forth through the lanes, applying brakes as if they're attempting to communicate the word "SNOOOOWWWWW" to the drivers behind them via brake-light morse code.

This sounds horrific and apocalyptic, but the real key to finishing the illusion is to constantly smile, with a childlike glimmer in your eyes (this can be practiced in your rearview mirror before abandoning the car) and if approaching another citizen, giggle-whisper the word "Snow!" at them, as if you can't believe the gift bestowed upon us all.

Congratulations! Now you're celebrating Winter in Portland like a real Portlander!

Next week, we'll discuss what happens when an inch accumulates, the city shuts down, and you're forced to use the public transit system like a fucking savage.

Readers also liked…

Comments (16)

Showing 1-16 of 16

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-16 of 16

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy