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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jan 2, 2013 at 9:27 AM

GOOD MORNING (and happy new year), BLOGTOWN! Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

WELL! You had an interesting New Year's Eve. Here are just a few of the reports of what you did, courtesy of the Portland Police Bureau.

This morning, Tuesday January 1, 2013, at 2:55 a.m., Portland Police officers assigned to Central Precinct responded to the report of a woman who fell to her death from the Broadstone Enso Apartments, located at 1400 Northwest Marshall Street.
Officers and medical personnel arrived and determined that the woman was deceased. Officers contacted several people who directed them to an apartment on the 6th floor of the building. Officers and detectives have interviewed several people who were attending a party at the residence.

This morning, Tuesday January 1, 2013, at 3:01 a.m., Portland Police officers assigned to East Precinct responded to Portland Adventist Medical Center on the report of a stabbing victim dropped off at the Emergency Room.
Officers arrived and learned that the victim, a 23-year-old male, was at a house party somewhere near 82nd Avenue and Fremont Street when the stabbing occurred. Officers learned that the victim got into an argument with another man over a game of beer pong, resulting in a fight.

This morning, Tuesday January 1, 2013, at 2:36 a.m., Portland Police officers responded to 301 Southwest Lincoln Street on the report of a man who jumped from the 11th floor of the Lovejoy Fountain Tower.
Officers contacted friends of the man in a residence on the 11th floor and learned that he'd been attending a party earlier and that he'd told people that he'd consumed mushrooms.
Witnesses told police that without warning, the man leaped from the 11th floor of the building.

Meanwhile in America... Congress passes the tax deal approved by the Senate (while holding their noses) and yet another fiscal cliff is avoided. Nice job, drama queens.

Oh, and your taxes will probably rise anyway.

Speaking of drama, House Speaker John Boehner tells Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to... oh, what did he say again? AH! "Go fuck yourself."

It's Republicans vs. Republicans over money that should have been allocated to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, but the GOP controlled Congress really dropped the ball.

According to the United Nations, over 60,000 people have died in the Syrian conflict. 60,000.

In news that should surprise no one, the FDA is saying that energy drinks don't really provide much of a benefit. YOU DO NOT SAY.

Car rental agency Avis is purchasing the car sharing agency Zipcar for a cool $500 million.

The kids of Sandy Hook Elementary return to school today. (Yep, still heartbreaking.)

The son of the coach of the Los Angeles Clippers has been found dead of an apparent drug overdose.

An American journalist has been kidnapped in Syria—making it the second time he's been kidnapped while on the job.

A Los Angeles paparazzo is struck and killed by a car while trying to take a picture of Justin Bieber.

Ugh. Why is it so goddamn hot?? AUGGHH!! THE EARTH IS CLOSEST TO THE SUN TODAY!!!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sunny and cold today, icy rain tomorrow morning!

And finally, let's welcome in 2013 with a goat that clucks like a chicken. Because... because. HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!!!

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