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Only the Lonely

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jan 16, 2013 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Sippin' on, sippin' on sizz, I'ma ma-make it fizz. Girl, I keep it gangsta, poppin' bottles at the crib. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Early this morning, a Portland woman fell off of a roof, and got herself wedged in between that building and a parking garage. Being in a somewhat unusual predicament, it took local firefighters a few tries to figure out how to extricate her from an embarrassing situation that made NATIONAL NEWS. Keep it weird, Portland!

Islamist insurgents trying to take over Mali came to a stark realization today about France... though they might not be looking for a fight, when they find one? THE FRENCH DO NOT FUCK AROUND.

Speaking of not fucking around, President Obama is expected to issue his gun proposals today, which will include an assault weapons ban, background checks for ALL gun buyers, as well as banning high capacity magazines. The NRA is expected to counter his proposal with whining, yelling, and tears rolling down their fat baby cheeks.

OMG AND HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! GET A LOAD OF THIS! "The National Rifle Association has unveiled a new advertisement on its Web site accusing President Obama of being an 'elitist hypocrite' for expressing skepticism about the group’s proposal to put armed security guards in schools, while accepting secret service protection for his daughters." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!! That's their response? HAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

A helicopter in London crashes into a construction crane, killing two and injuring 13.

JPMorgan Chase slashes their CEO's bonus by a whopping 53 percent. Now the poor dear will only take home $11.5 million and a $10 million bonus. Ummm... how is he supposed to survive?

An Indonesian nominee for their Supreme Court makes a bit of a flub, when he suggests that rape victims actually enjoy the experience. Bye-bye Indonesian nominee!

More Islamist militant trouble: Apparently they have attacked a gas field in Algiers and kidnapped dozens of people, including seven Americans.

The Russian courts are STILL mad at punk band Pussy Riot and have refused to let one of the members out of prison so she can care for her 5-year-old son.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Foggy, cool mornings through Friday, then tons of glorious sun.

And finally, I'll admit I don't know much about The Hobbit—because it is a book for children, and I am not a child. However, I am pleased to find out that Gary Busey knows much less than I do about the subject... though that doesn't stop him from hilariously offering his expert opinions!

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