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Thursday, January 17, 2013

An Impartial Review Of The City of New York

Posted by Alex Falcone on Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 9:59 AM

I just got back from a week of shows in New York City (NEW YORK CITY? Yes, old salsa reference, New York City). It was my first time there as an adult and it pretty much lived up to all the hype. If you can afford to make it here, you can afford to make it anywhere.

New York sends some mixed messages. Or maybe it's just a clear message of wanting to kill me with a taxi.

Red light AND green light. Deal with that, kiddos.
  • Red light AND green light. Deal with that, kiddos.

They have the cutest little bathrooms. There's a doll house sink directly above the toilet so you can pee and wash your hands at the same time! Very efficient. Probably because of how cool and efficient these restrooms are, every place of business is very cautious about non-customers peeing in them. Pretty much the only place on the island of Manhattan that doesn't check your receipt before letting you pee is Starbucks. I know it's not cool to like Starbucks but I have such a positive feeling about them now as the only place that cares about my needs in a city of 8 million.

They put the coffee in the bag. I'm not sure I can explain just how disconcerting this is. If you go to a bagel shop and order an everything and a coffee, they'll put a lid on the coffee, put the bagel in a brown paper sack, and then put the coffee in the bag next to the bagel! It's not like they've invented better lids, they just don't give a fuck. It almost makes our beverage holders seem quaint. If we were in a bigger city, we'd just throw it in the bag LIKE A BOSS.

I'm not mature enough to use the subway. If I lived in New York, I'd still never be able to "ride the F train" without giggling. "Let's take the A, it's easier." "Maybe on you!" Every time. Every single time. My friends hate me.

There's too much pizza. Unlike Chicago (with their bullshit cheese soup in a breadbowl that they call pizza) New York has earned it's pizza fame. It's amazing. But it's also a dangerously over-pizzaed city. If you're even a little bit hungry, wherever you walk the best pizza you've ever tasted is behind two out of every three doors you walk by. And it's like $1 a slice. The amount of self control it requires to get anywhere is exhausting. My brain, stomach, and wallet, are all ganging up on my weight and saying stuff like "Pizza dinner was great. Let's get some pizza for dessert."

The only thing that could be worse/better/worse again is if the pizza places let you use their tiny bathrooms. You'd have no choice but to gain a million pounds.

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