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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: A Failure to Communicate

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jan 22, 2013 at 10:29 AM

I'm a woman in my late 20s, in a happy monogamish relationship with a wonderful man. He understands that sometimes I fall for women, and my sexy sapphic hookups turn him on and make our sex life even hotter. We've recently moved to a new city, and it's been hard to meet people because I've been so busy working and settling in. It's been six months since I've gotten any action from the ladies and I've really been feeling the urge! I have a hot lesbian coworker who's in a long-distance relationship with her hot girlfriend. I've been crushing on her for a while, but the only person I've talked to about it is my husband. Last weekend I hung out at a party with her and her girlfriend, who was visiting from out of town. We all got along really well, and there were points where I felt like they were both flirting with me. I've been fantasizing about my coworker a lot. My husband thinks I should just proposition her. But I have a few problems with that:

1. Aren't coworkers off-limits?

2. Is she off limits because she has a girlfriend? I want to be respectful but I don't know if they're monogamous or not.

3. How do I let her know how I feel without being awkward? I can't imagine saying, "You may assume I'm straight because I'm married to a man, but I've been bi this whole time and my husband is cool with me hooking up with other women and I respect that you're in a relationship, but if your girlfriend's cool with it, I really want to make you come, and maybe have a threesome with both of you."

4. Is there any expectation that, when hanging with lesbians, I should let them know I'm into girls? Will she be upset that she thought she was hanging out with a straight girl this whole time?

Help?

Dreaming Of Pussy Every Day

My response after the jump...

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Hm... it seems to me that everyone at that party was being a little too respectful.

You wanna fuck your coworker and her girlfriend and you may have had the opportunity—last weekend, DOPED, after that party. But you didn't hit on them because you wanna be respectful of their relationship. You don't know if they're monogamous and you don't want your coworker's girlfriend to regard you as a threat. So you said nothing. Respect!

And it's possible that your coworker and her girlfriend wanna fuck you and didn't say anything because they wanna be respectful of your default sexual identity (straight) and your perceived relationship status (monogamous). You're a woman in a relationship with a man. People shouldn't assume you're straight, of course, because there are a lot of bi women out there in relationships with men, and perhaps people shouldn't assume your relationship is closed, as not all are. But those are both perfectly reasonable assumptions. And even if you were giving off clear "FUCK ME!" vibes at the party, DOPE, your coworker and her girlfriend might not wanna be "those" lesbians, i.e. dykes who chase after straight and/or straight-identified and/or straight-defaulting women. Likewise, they might not wanna be "those" fuckers, i.e. fuckers who fuck people they know or believe to be in monogamous relationships.

Or, hey, maybe your coworker and her girlfriend don't want to fuck you. They might not be into you, DOPED, or they might be into you but not into women with male partners. Not all lesbians—partnered or not—are interested in playing the part of the "sexy sapphic hookup" who makes an opposite-sex couple's sex life hotter.

Here's what you need to do: come out to your coworker about being bi and about being monogamish. You can demonstrate your respect for her relationship by not making a pass at her and by not making any assumptions about her relationship status. If your coworker is into you and she's allowed to mess around with other women and you were right about the vibe at that party, DOPED, she'll let you know.

And quickly:

1. Nope.

2. She may or may not be off-limits. You can draw her out on the subject—potentially—by letting her know that you're not off-limits.

3. It's going to be awkward. But it'll be less awkward if you say something like this: "A lot of people assume I'm straight because I'm married to a man, but I'm actually bi and my husband and I have an open relationship." That'll give your coworker the opportunity to say, "Wow, really? I'm in an open relationship too!" If she doesn't seize the opportunity, DOPED, she's either not in an open relationship or she's in one and doesn't want you to know about it.

4. You should be out to your friends, family members, and coworkers.

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