Originally published July 2, 2009:
I'm a 25-year-old straight female. I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months, but we fell in love fast and I want to make this last. However, he doesn't turn me on. It has nothing to do with looks—he's GORGEOUS—but rather with the fact that I am submissive and like things rough (rape fantasies, being tied up, etc.). He is GGG and tries, but he is just too timid. The last guy I dated used to toss me around like a rag doll, and I miss being dominated. I talked to my wonderful GGG boyfriend, and he agreed right away to have a threesome with my previous guy. I haven't talked to the previous guy yet, but I'm sure he'd be into it. My ex would love this scenario, I would get the abuse I need, and my boyfriend would get a "lesson" in sub/dom sex. But...
1. Am I being a selfish bitch?
2. Is it a bad sign that he's not satisfying me sexually at three months?
3. Thank you!
Needs Some Abuse
My response after the jump...
1. You have needs, NSA, and you're articulating them clearly and thoughtfully; you're being considerate and deliberate. And, yeah, you're also being a selfish bitch.
Good for you.
You have a right to be a little selfish—we all have a right to be a little selfish—when it comes to sex. You have needs and you want them met and you want your gorgeous boyfriend to meet them. Why? Because you're a selfish bitch, no question, but that's not the only reason. You also want him to meet your needs—ably, skillfully—because you want to stay with him, NSA. Showing him how to meet your needs—even if that requires bringing in the kinky ex for a tutorial—is one way to make that happen. The current boyfriend agreed, NSA, so take yes for an answer!
2. Some couples click right away, and some couples take some time to find their groove. My boyfriend doesn't allow me to write about our sex life in any detail—privacy is his kink—but he will allow me to say this: The sex we're having at 15 years is a lot better than the sex we were having at 15 weeks. So don't despair that your boyfriend isn't totally satisfying you at three months. We got there (within a year), NSA, and you can too (with some effort).
3. No, NSA, thank you. It's not often that a letter from a straight reader forces me to go lie down in a dark room for half the day with a warm washcloth over my eyes. The threesome you describe is beyond hot; you'd be a fool not to go for it, and I'd be drummed out of the Brotherhood of Amalgamated Male Sex Advice Columnists Who Are Men (Local 609) if I didn't urge you to go for it. This threesome will help your current boyfriend up his game, thereby saving this relationship, or it will provide you with memories that you'll cherish for the rest of your life. (And by "cherish for the rest of your life," I mean "masturbate about for decades to come.") Either way, you win. Go for it, NSA, and please send a full report after it's all over.
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