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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jan 30, 2013 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! It all keeps adding up. I think I'm cracking up. Am I just paranoid? Am I just stoned? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Today the Senate started holding hearings on gun violence, kicking off with Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, who was severely injured in a mass shooting in 2011. Naturally the first Republican to speak, Senator Charles E. Grassley of Iowa, said something stupid. (Blaming mass shootings on videogames.) DUHHHHH.

I'm sure videogames caused this, too: A gunman in Alabama shoots a bus driver, and kidnaps a six-year-old boy who is still a hostage in the shooter's underground bunker.

Meanwhile in the immigration reform battle, Sen. John McCain warns his fellow Republicans to stop being such stupid, racist hillbillies or they'll lose every election for the rest of their stupid, racist lives. (That's not a direct quote.)

Former tech powerhouse Research in Motion (also sexily known as RIM) changes their name to the undecidedly unsexy name of BlackBerry, and releases the long-awaited BlackBerry 10—which will either save or sink them.

The economy contracts for the first time in three years, but don't panic—according to the experts, this is the "best looking contraction you'll ever see." Or in other words, date my cousin, who is not ugly.

Ratings for FOX News have been tumbling since the election—and weirdly, I feel fine about that.

The defense rests in the trial of "Christmas tree non-bomber" Mohamed Mohamud, after witnesses testified that he would have never got into the terrorism business without a strong push from the FBI.

A pastor stiffs a waiter on his tip, scrawling on the receipt, "I give God 10%, why do you get 18?" Ummm... because God is not real, and a waiter is? Also, why are you giving an imaginary person 10%?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Scattered showers today and tomorrow morning, and then a sunny, warming trend.

And finally... OH! Hi. I didn't see you there.

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