This Week in the Mercury


Friday, February 1, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: Get Your Twink On

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Feb 1, 2013 at 10:29 AM

I am a 25-year-old bi woman in a monogamous relationship with a straight man. We have been living together for about a year, and I suspect he is ready to pop the question any day now. I couldn't be more excited about spending the rest of my life with him. We are emotionally and financially compatible. We want the same things out of life, and he treats me better than anyone I've been with before.

The problem is that I am not physically attracted to him. He is physically a bear—overweight, hairy, and masculine. My physical preference is for twinks—skinny, tall, and hairless boys. When I crawl into bed with him, Dan, I don't really want to jump his bones. I want to snuggle up under a blanket and snooze.

Despite this, we have an active sex life. We are both into BDSM. When he is being my master he makes me wet and horny like a slut and I come crazy hard. I could not be more satisfied with the kinky aspects of our sex life, but I feel that the vanilla aspect is suffering. Frankly put, unless he is smacking me around and calling me a whore, I'm just not that sexually excited about him. I don't initiate. I don't really participate that much at all, to be honest; I mostly just lie on my back and let him fuck me. Sometimes when we are having vanilla sex, I catch myself fantasizing about my ex boyfriend, who was 6 feet tall, 160 pounds, and utterly hairless (and with whom the sex was overall underwhelming). I feel guilty about this, because my current boyfriend often expresses to me that he finds me incredibly hot, despite the fact that I am also somewhat overweight. We both struggle with our weight and have been trying to lose a few pounds for health reasons. But the truth is that he is mostly happy with his current weight, and no amount of furious masterbation on my part will turn him into the skinny hairless twink of my fantasies. So I mostly lie and tell him he turns me on, and encourage him to engage in kinky activities instead of vanilla ones.

I've read your column enough to know that an open relationship might be an option, but I am hesitant to go that route. I have had poor experiences with open relationships in the past, and have found that I am overall happier in a monogamous situation. We have discussed it, and he agrees that he is the monogamous type.
What's a girl to do, Dan? I love this man dearly, and feel that on every other level we are a perfect match.

Overall I am the happiest I have ever been, and having more orgasms than ever before. I really don't want to leave him, but I am worried that I am setting myself up for a potentially sexless marriage several years down the road.

Twink Lover

My response after the jump...

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You clearly love him, you're emotionally and financially compatible, you can see spending the rest of your life with him—he sounds like a keeper to me, TL, even if he isn't your physical ideal.

Very few people get everything they want in a partner, TL, and "physical ideal" is an area where most people wind up doing a little settling. There simply aren't enough supermodels and/or Chord Overstreets to go around. And given a choice between "my physical ideal but makes me miserable" and "not my physical ideal but makes me happy and gives me loads of orgasms," most sane people opt for the latter.

And even if you're lucky enough to marry your physical ideal, the passage of time has a way of transforming your physical ideal into... well, someone you love who isn't your physical ideal anymore.

If your relationship isn't sexless now despite your boyfriend's non-twink status, TL, I don't see any reason why his non-twink status places your relationship at any greater risk of sexlessness in the future. Make BDSM sex your default setting—there's no rule that vanilla has to be the standard—and close your eyes and fantasize about your physically-ideal-if-sexually-inert twink ex-boyfriend when you have vanilla sex with the man you love. Watch porn now and then to get your twink fix, TL, and agree to revisit the idea of a small degree of openness at some down the road so you don't despair of never getting your twink on ever again.

Good luck!

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