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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Feb 13, 2013 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! It's in the papers, it's on your TV news. The application—it's just a point of view. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

In last night's State of the Union, Obama argued for the uplifting of the middle class, tougher gun control laws, and immigration reform. In response, Republican Marco Rubio nervously gulped from a glass of water.

Meanwhile, Speaker of the House John Boehner shot down Obama's idea to raise minimum wage to $9 per hour—and then nervously gulped from a glass of water.

Police have yet to confirm it—but it is almost a certainty that the burned deceased body found in a Big Bear cabin was that of ex-fugitive cop Christopher Dorner who went out in a blaze of gunfire with police.

The dean of a Catholic school is fired after supporting same sex marriage... on his personal blog. And he was "thinking" it, too! In his brain!

On the island of Guam, a "knife nut" goes on a rampage stabbing and killing two Japanese tourists and wounding 11 others.

Banks are holding back on delivering much-needed relief checks to victims of Hurricane Sandy—because they're dicks.

Three University of Alabama football players are under arrest for beating and kicking a student unconscious, and robbing him—because they're dicks.

And this, sent in by Blogtown Consulting Detective Graham: Fox News gleefully reports that even if the government bans your assault weapons and clips, you can simply "print out" some new ones! Yee-haw! Thanks, "technology!" PEW! PEW-PEW-PEW!!

Locally... HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS LAST NIGHT IN DOWNTOWN AND SOUTHEAST PORTLAND LEAVING 1,400 WITHOUT POWER FOR A FEW HOURS, INCLUDING THE MERCURY WHO WAS TRYING TO PUT OUT A GODDAMN NEWSPAPER?? Oh. It was just a failed PGE substation near OMSi. I was hoping for a more exciting response.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Cloudy with scattered showers today and tomorr... OH SHIT! TOMORROW'S VALENTINE'S DAY! Quick, gimmee the number for FTD!!

And finally, WOW. Marco Rubio really had a dry mouth! TAKE A DRINK ALREADY FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST.

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